After 15 albums and more than 30 years of making music, R.E.M., the Athens, Ga.-based indie rock band, is hanging up its guitars. The band members' retirement -- announced last week on the band's website -- prompted one critic (Eric Harvey, writing in "The Atlantic") to proclaim R.E.M. as America's greatest band.
In November 1989, R.E.M. played a show at McKenzie Arena at UTC, opening with "Stand" and encoring with "Finest Worksong." Wearing acid-washed blue jeans, I signed my first petition that night, as concertgoers were asked not just to dance, but to shake things up politically.
In honor of the best American rock band, here's a rundown of our city's recent headlines paired with an R.E.M. playlist. News, with a soundtrack.
Headline: Wolfsburg named Sister City. Song: "Half a World Away"
Becoming Chattanooga's sixth sister city, Wolfsburg, Germany, got its start in the late 1930s, part of a Nazi plan to create towns for factory workers building a new type of car: the Volkswagen. In 2003, to celebrate the legacy of the VW Golf, Wolfsburg temporarily changed its name to Golfsburg.
Passattanooga anyone?
(And I'll bet a box of MoonPies none of you can name all six sister cities without Googling. I sure couldn't.)
Headline: Former Farmer's Market site catches fire. Song: "Burning Down"
Places where homeless folks can sleep undisturbed have just been reduced by one. Rumor has it a man known as "Nashville" set his mattress on fire, which then set the East 11th Street building on fire.
It's been five years since the mayor purchased the property.
Well, at least something is happening there.
Headline: Local judges can sentence those who text and drive. Song: "Driver 8"
The City Council passed a first reading of an ordinance that would send drivers caught texting while driving (illegal in Tennessee) to City Court instead of General Sessions Court. This localizes the state law, making it easier for city judges to pass down punishment.
Texting while driving is about as safe as Sudoku while driving, so City Council, I've got one thing to say to you: THNX. U R G8.
Headline: Consultants advise airport name change. Song: "Maps and Legends" or "You're in the Air"
A Birmingham, Ala., consulting firm made some earth-shattering suggestions to airport leaders this week. Make sure you're sitting down when you hear their first idea: Change the name from Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport to ... to ... to ...
Chattanooga Airport.
I know. My head is spinning, too. It's just brilliant, a first-class idea that no one would have ever thought of on their own. Then, not to rest on their laurels, the consultants also suggested a new slogan: "Get on board."
Simply stunning. Maybe the TFP could take note. Our new slogan -- "Read It." Or Coca-Cola could get in on the action: "Drink some." How about Gold Bond: "Don't scratch."
Mike Landguth, your airport is my favorite in all of North America. It's easy, convenient, friendly and feels like home. I know that compliment is too long to fit on a billboard, but I promise: Wherever I go, that's what I tell people.
Headline: Kayoko Dan makes CSO debut. Song: "Bandwagon"
I don't know my adagio from a hole in the ground, but I do know that Kayoko Dan is the hottest ticket in town right now. Get on the bandwagon, buy up your CSO tickets (when will they sell a Kayoko bobblehead doll?) and help sell out as many symphony concerts as possible.
Headline: Sexual harassment happens -- Encore: "Walk Unafraid"
To all the people who've written emails to me in the wake of recent columns about Paul Page, telling their own story of facing harassment and violence in our city, you are not alone. You are heroic in ways few of us understand and to you, I offer a standing ovation.
Walk unafraid. And stand.
David Cook can be reached at davidcook@blumail.org