View other columns by Mark Kennedy
I often wonder what it's like to have girl children. As much as I love my two sons, I feel like I might have missed something.
I imagine being the father of daughters has subtleties that don't translate well to spoken words, but are clear, nonetheless, in the full fluency of the heart.
Same with boys. But along with the intangibles, there are certain "boy" traits that are pretty straightforward.
So, just in case there are fathers in the audience who have only girl children, here's a glimpse at what you are missing.
* Boys learn to love people through pets. If you are wondering whether to get a boy a dog, you're already late.
* Dirty little boys smell like dirt. Dirty big boys smell like they've been soaked in sewer water.
* Boys cannot taste their own teeth. Consequently, they don't know they have bad breath until the potted plants die.
* Boys need punches - and hugs. The perfect interaction with a boy is a not-too-hard punch to the biceps followed by a generous hug. To the boy, the punch is like an inoculation against girlishness.
* Boys need exercise as much as they need food and sleep. Testosterone turns toxic if it's not shaken vigorously at least once a day.
* Boys struggle to snap their fingers and whistle. You can actually hear them practicing behind closed doors.
* Boys will eat Pop Tarts 24/7. Also, a half-gallon of ice cream is a single-serving container for a 14-year-old boy.
* Boys think ESPN highlights are actual games. No American boy has watched an entire Cleveland Indians regular season game on TV since the Reagan Administration.
* Boys could transact their entire lives using texts. Texting is the 21st-century equivalent of grunts and nods.
* Boys can eat an amount of food as big as their heads.
* Boys will go to movies with you until age 13, at which point they still like the idea of going to movies but without the "you" part.
* Boys discover girls long before they will discuss girls.
* Boys would rather not look at you when you talk to them. (See "texting," above.)
* Boys cling to Santa Claus because the North Pole is (theoretically) recession-proof.
* Boys overheat while they are sleeping and kick their covers off every night. Tuck them in too tightly and soccer-playing boys will put holes in your sheets.
* Boys are exponentially more mischievous in groups. Rule of thumb: Subtract 10 IQ points from your son for every additional teenage male in a room. Meanwhile, subtract 20 points for every teenage male in a car.
* Boys get their feelings hurt, just like girls. Then they bottle it up until something bursts.
* If you think a boy needs to know something, tell him. If you are waiting for him to ask, pull up a chair and bring a novel.
* Boys sometimes startle themselves when their voice changes.
* A boy is not completely awake until he stretches and eats something.
* Two brothers who appear to be getting along fine are really just waiting for you to leave the room.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645.