Newsome: Be bold in confronting sexual harassment

A protester holds a sign reading, "I was wearing pants + a sweater, was it my fault too" during a national protest about sexual assault and victims' rights, among other related issues. (Contribtued photo)
A protester holds a sign reading, "I was wearing pants + a sweater, was it my fault too" during a national protest about sexual assault and victims' rights, among other related issues. (Contribtued photo)
photo McKellar Newsom

At a restaurant in Charlottesville, Va., I accidentally bumped into a man and said "Excuse me." The stranger looked me straight in the eye, reached around me, grabbed my bottom and said "Oh, excuse me." I had the presence of mind to throw up my pointer finger close to his face and yell: "I could be your sister! I could be your niece! I could be your aunt! How would you feel if some stranger grabbed your mom like that?" The man later apologized.

These days, the workplace is abuzz with talk about sexual harassment. Conversations abound about news stories of underhanded payoffs and systemic cover-ups at Fox News and Miramax. The pervasiveness of sexual harassment warrants a reflection on what women in the workplace can do to decrease inappropriate comments and unwanted touching. Below are hints for confronting this behavior:

-Take the time to confront. Don't just laugh it off while cringing on the inside. Stand up for yourself if you feel uncomfortable with a sexual comment. Be assertive, even aggressive in your defense if you are touched inappropriately.

Before confronting, take a deep breath to work through the fear. Confronting sexual harassment is not easy. Taking a slow, abdomen-expanding breath can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system which will decrease your heart rate to help you relax.

-Don't be an easy target. Don't accept the smallest amount of harassment. Challenge the person who calls you princess, gorgeous, beautiful, cutie, baby, honey, sexy, darling, sweetie, sweetheart, dear, dearie or child. Those terms of endearment are out of line in the workplace and are patronizing. If you are cringing inside when called a pet name, confront the behavior the first time - and every time. As the owner of a company, I still occasionally have to remind my subcontractors that "baby" and "sweetie" are unacceptable monikers. Confronting pet names sets a boundary and can possibly prevent further harassment.

-Use "I" statements. When I used to be an employee, I said the following "I" statements to my boss: "I felt anger when you said: 'I didn't mean to bump into your bottom. Oh, maybe I did.'" I also told him: "I felt uncomfortable when you made that peach joke that was suggestive." After two "I" statement conversations, my boss never made another inappropriate remark. Sometimes men are just clueless and need to hear a tough "I" statement.

-Use the word "shame." If you feel uncomfortable, you are likely feeling shame. Many people have trouble with this feeling. I find using the word "shame" helps the other person actually listen. I once said: "I felt shame when you made that cougar and gazelle joke." Curiously, saying I felt shame actually lessened my feeling of shame.

-Look the offending person in the eye to show your humanness and your power. Some men see women as body parts and not as the whole person. Do anything you can to show sexual harassers that you are a strong person and not just body parts. Making references to an offender's daughters, wives, nieces and mothers is one of my favorite techniques.

-Use gestures. I happen to be 5'3" so my favorite gesture to confront inappropriate behavior is to point my index finger high up near the person's face. Using a strong gesture like pointing can empower you and throw the harasser off balance.

-Make your body bigger. Stand up tall. Throw your shoulders back. Plant your feet. Take up space in the world with your arms and legs. Looking strong and powerful has less to do with your height and more to do with your body language and confident attitude. I find a petite woman like me can appear bigger and stronger by letting a bit of my anger seep into my stance and body movements.

-Use a strong tone of voice. Enough said.

-Make a scene. Being touched inappropriately is called molestation and warrants a strong reaction. Forget being ladylike and be loud. If a coworker touches you inappropriately at the holiday party, go ahead and let the room know. Chances are great the person won't bother you again and possibly no one else, either. In Taiwan, on a "claustrophobic I can't see my feet" packed bus, someone grabbed my backside. At the time, my Mandarin Chinese was limited and I didn't know how to protest verbally. I ended up hitting my umbrella on the side of the bus to cause a scene to show my anger. The passengers probably thought I was a crazy Westerner but at least my harasser had a consequence and I felt better immediately.

-Don't hesitate to go back later to confront. Recently, a man I am working with on a project said to me: "I like your buttons [on my shirt]. Where is your belly button?" At the time, I said: "Right here," and pointed to my actual belly button location. Later I realized what had happened. I now have to confront him the next time I see him. This delayed type of confrontation can be effective. Confronting after the fact gives you a chance to make an "I" message script. Keep your script to one-to-three sentences. I'm going to say: "I felt disgust when you made the belly button comment." A way to increase your confidence is to role play your script with a friend until you memorize your lines.

-If you are alone when you are sexually harassed and don't feel safe, escape ASAP.

Possibly the most important thing you can do to prevent sexual harassment from spreading is to tell the men and boys in your life about your experiences. The more your men know about what you have to go through, the more the culture of sexual harassment will change.

Your human resource departments will want you to document your experience and to contact them if sexual harassment becomes a pattern with someone in the workplace. While using human resources professionals is important, consider confronting the behavior the minute it happens or going back later to confront the person before reporting the person to HR. Many men need to be told what they are doing is not acceptable. Laughing when you want to scream is not helping anyone. Be brave. Be bold. Set a strong boundary. Teach others how to treat you.

McKellar Newsome is a local real estate investor always looking for a good deal. Contact her at Tennessee1428@gmail.com.

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