Someone asked me over the weekend the last time we had carolers.
You remember Christmas carolers, right? Groups of folks who knocked on the door, sang some Christmas songs, and generally spread holiday cheer.
In truth, the answer is never. Can't remember seeing carolers belting their way through familiar favorites while making it anything but a "Silent Night," in a good way.
I can't carry a tune in a Yeti. But I love Christmas music, and I know that if you wanted to make a bona fide hit, find a new Christmas song. Other than someone's granny getting trampled by an antelope, well, Christmas music is older than leeches fighting blood ailments.
So, with the "Twelve Days of Christmas" in mind, how would we re-write that classic today? Let's roll the dice.
"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear in a pear tree." How about "A day free of impeachment TV." Man, for all of us to know how this turns out, this is like watching a never-ending reel of home movies.
Two turtle doves — Two party shoves. Yes, this is political, because for my dollar, whether it's impeachment or day-to-day politics, the political divide was the biggest story of 2019 and the biggest hurdle in front of us in 2020.
Three French horns — Three French fries. What's the appropriate amount of fries to share? In a time when we need to share and compromise more, we need an answer on this one, right?
Four calling birds — Four calling bores. Anyone else wonder how spammers manage to proliferate? Even with sophisticated call blocking technology, these folks still manage to get through and pester me about insurance coverage of the latest car deal.
Five golden rings — Five Trump'in tweets. Even as a conversation, I hope this is the beginning of the end of this one.
Six geese a-layin' — Six groups a-playin'. I believe this: Riverbend was facing a change-or-die situation. And they may meet the latter if the festival's new approach doesn't work, but organizers certainly are trying to avoid it by embracing the former.
Seven swans a-swimmin' — Seven Stars a-warrin'. OK, this may be a little presumptive because the next "Star Wars" has not dropped yet, but with the combination of the record-setting billion-dollar franchise and the upcoming next "Star Wars" chapter and the uber-successful Disney+, well, the Mouse is making the most of its chance to cash in.
Eight maids a-milkin' — Eight motors a'movin'. We all need to be thankful for the success of VW in our town. It has allowed us a chance to dream of a much brighter future in the coming years.
Nine lords a-leapin' — Nine Lookouts' landing. Or one, even. Man, that may be an even bigger story in the weeks and months ahead.
Ten ladies dancin' — Ten (and then-some) ladies winnin'. The U.S. women's soccer team winning the World Cup was a magical story that resonated more in patriotism than the power or the future of soccer. But the presence of controversy even reached this glorious event as USWNT star Megan Rapinoe fueded with Trump's White House.
Eleven pipers pipin' — Eleven parents bribin'. The craziness of the college tuition bribery scandal was a) the height of the public loving a celebrity scandal, and b) the ultimate height of stupidity. Why not give $500,000 to the school donation fund like all the other millionaires?
Twelve drummers drummin' — Twelve diseases developin'. Gang, the fact that measles and a few other critical illnesses that are preventable and that we have vaccinations for are reappearing are a tell-tale sign that we can all do better in 2020.
Contact Jay Greeson at email@example.com.