"Political campaigns are designed by the same people who sell toothpaste and cars." — Noam Chomsky
As you Democrats load up your clown car for the three-ring circus we call the presidential primaries, the key is to differentiate yourself. Trump did it with the 17 RINO clones against whom he ran.
The key for liberals is to take social stands on things about which no one cares — fashionable worries such as the plight of illegal immigrants, global warming, toxic masculinity and abolishing the Electoral College. It makes them look "concerned."
The Dems' latest fashionable worry is our Electoral College. They say it gives too much power to a few, yet they elect/rig their choice of a presidential candidate with Super Delegates. Liberal darling Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York feels the Electoral College should be abolished, and all student loan debt incurred by attending it should be forgiven. In prepared remarks she went a step farther, saying that any new Electoral College established should only teach gender studies and be government-funded.
Trump set the template for non-traditional announcements. We all remember when he came down the escalator at Trump Tower and called Mexican illegals "rapists and murderers." Good times. Trump's was the only presidential candidacy announcement to be followed by a seminar on condo flipping.
Democrats have been announcing in odd but comfortable places, like Steven Colbert's late-night, talk show, "Good Morning America", etc., where they then giggle and hold hands as if they had just proposed marriage.
I would suggest Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren announce on the Maury Povich Show as they get the results of her DNA test (which likely would come back as "a 100 percent match for a bad idea"). Elizabeth Warren awkwardly drank a beer by herself in her kitchen on YouTube. Even her husband would not join her, but it was a cheap attempt to prove she was Indian. She might not give this up without a fight, showing up at the first debate with a red dot on her forehead. She must get her advice from a team of lawyers she assembled on Legal Zoom.
Hawaii Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard announced for president on Van Jones' Saturday CNN show. President Trump welcomed her to the race, pointing out she could be the first person born in Hawaii ever to be elected president.
Then you have the ex-mayor of San Antonio and Obama HUD Secretary Julian Castro. He has a creepy smile that's a mix between Batman's Joker and a "Dateline" or "20/20" suspect's. He plans to court the way-left vote if Bernie Sanders doesn't run.
Beto O'Rourke livestreamed his dental cleaning. Not to be outdone, the Sanders folks plan to film his next prostate exam and put it out on DVDs and 8-track tapes. And Bernie might have a problem with Democrats this time. There are pictures of him shaking hands with Donald Trump during the 2016 presidential debates, proof positive to most Democrats that he met with and discussed American policy with a Russian agent during a campaign.
I fully expected New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand to announce against a backdrop of some sort of victimization format, maybe around construction workers in New York City staring at her too long. She will run on Hollywood and PAC money on a platform of combating toxic masculinity and legislation requiring all men to own a cat and to join Oprah's Book Club. Her sexual harassment laws will be her own Gilli-brand of laws, with special loopholes carved out for politicians and movie producers who can green-light a screen play.
Trump will have to respond by supporting the #TimesUp movement. He plans to have OSHA give hookers at Nevada brothels a workplace alarm clock.
All these and other soon-to-be-announced candidates care more about appealing to millennials with a dance video or dental visit, not with ideas. And there will be more of them coming. But Trump, who has done the unthinkable by lowering the rhetoric of politics to that of professional wrestling, has a team working on demeaning nicknames for all of them.
Contact Ron Hart, a syndicated op-ed satirist, at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.