Writing op-ed humor columns around a Trump presidency is like drinking water through a firehose. Here is a summary of the many topics I could not get to this quarter:
— Per the CDC, sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise, with Washington, D.C., leading the increase. It stands to reason. Screwing as many Americans as folks do in D.C., you're bound to contract something.
— Democrats started to look sad as they began impeachment proceedings last week over a third-hand story that Trump did a political deal with Ukraine. It turns out that the only one who shook Ukraine down for money was Joe Biden when he pressured it to help his son maintain a $600,000-a-year, no-show job. Ukraine is an ATM for our politicians. To quantify in terms we can all understand, it cost only $10,000 to get Eric Trump into USC and about $5 million to get Hunter Biden into the University of Delaware.
— Troubles continue for "Beto" O'Rourke as he rails against plastic straws and gun ownership. We learned that he has been arrested a few times for breaking and entering, DUI and leaving the scene of an accident (which may be when he left Congress). Beto was the first to say what all Democrats candidates think: Government should take our guns. My guess is he is mad because he couldn't buy a gun now if he wanted to, and he's just jealous.
— Democrat candidates have tacked so far left that even the Democrats on Wall Street threatened not to back Elizabeth Warren if she is the nominee. She then started to tone down her rhetoric, but in private she reminds the left-wing extreme that her cats are named Selma, Stonewall and Im-Peaches.
— In a weird address on climate change, a 16-year-old Swedish girl, Greta Thunberg, spoke like a maudlin brat in telling the UN that adults had "robbed her of her childhood." It was the angriest and most disjointed left-wing speech that didn't end with thanking an agent and the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. A similar speech was given in Brazil in 1992 by another child prop who said that the hole in the ozone layer was going to ruin her life. At the UN, Iran and North Korea listened most intently on climate change because one false move could mean a big cloud over them and 10,000,000 degrees in their countries next week.
— Trump continues to make progress with the African-American community. U.S. rapper A$AP Rocky was arrested in Sweden on some conjured-up assault charges, and our president intervened. The rapper's whole posse was held for too long. But to be fair, I would imagine it would take a while to round up enough folks in Sweden for that many police lineups.
— Trump is willing to meet with anyone to settle differences. He had the Taliban set to come to the U.S. and then got into a dispute with John Bolton, his war-hungry National Security Adviser. Trump called off the meeting but left the door open by telling the Taliban if they want to bring their team to visit the White House, they need to go win a national championship in something. Bolton was later fired. He and his mustache were escorted out of the White House separately.
— As with Bolton, Trump continues to turn over his cabinet. Being a four-year Trump appointee is like being a four-year University of Kentucky basketball player or a 60-year-old kamikaze pilot; you must be doing something wrong. Mike Pence seems suited for vice president. Trump didn't fund his "scared straight" program, but did let him do one for at-risk youth called "Startled Straight," to pray the gay away.
— Eight people died of vaping something they should not have, and we apparently called a national emergency. Eight folks out of 330 million people. Worry not, government has a solution for this vaping "epidemic": Marlboros.
— Trump backed the new prime minister of the UK, Boris Johnson, in his efforts to extricate Great Britain from the European Union. The two men met as co-plaintiffs in a class action suit against Great Clips.
Contact Ron Hart, an op-ed humorist and award-winning author, at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.