Wait, what? You are telling me the British monarchy is not a sweeping example of progressive inclusion?
Hmm, I'll alert George Washington and the rest of the crew.
Haven't we Americans known that kings and queens have little use outside of a chessboard for two dozen decades?
In case you actually spent your time wisely Sunday night and are smart enough not to have Twitter, let's backtrack. Former royal couple Harry and Sally (wait, that's not right; they were actually entertaining - I meant, Harry and Meghan) pulled up ordinary chairs for an ordinary chat with billionaire big-timer Oprah Winfrey about their decision to bail on the family business across the pond and start a new life in California. No more royal titles, no more royal duties, no more financial support. And that's fine with them. After all, they have their own brand to launch.
Oprah is getting high marks for her sit-down with the former royals, who dished on everything from brutal, hostile tabloid coverage and rifts within the family to Meghan's mental health struggles and questions about their son Archie's skin tone.
Consider me stunned by the entire event. No, not anything said or not said. That it happened at all and the numbers it drew.
Celebrities having sit-down interviews with bigger celebrities to explain how tough the celebrity lifestyle is has never been my cup of tea. With the royal family, it's doubly so.
But buckets at the number of folks who were consumed by the conversation. The average viewing audience of the two-hour event on CBS was north of 17 million people. For comparison, 18 million-plus watched the presidential debate last September. And the social media storm alone lasted well into Monday afternoon as viewers and pundits weighed in on Harry and Meghan's revelations.
(Thankfully, though, we've kept our priorities in order, since the royal rumblings were about 10 million viewers short of last year's "Masked Singer" debut. I mean, the royals are regal and all, but let's not confuse the Duke with the Duck, who had a top-5 single in 2003.)
But what do I know? The Royal I'm most familiar with is former third baseman George Brett, and he retired from Kansas City in 1993.
News stories on Monday referenced details about situations that were "cold and uncaring." Uh, OK. Didn't we all kind of figure that? The British monarchy is 1,200 years old, and even those of us who know nothing about the inside workings of the palace know that the Brits are known for a collective "stiff upper lip." The monarchy invented the word "resilience."
OK, big-picture caveats. Racism in any form, subtle or not, at any level, is reprehensible, unacceptable. Family members asking questions about the skin tone of Harry and Meghan's child are shameless. Finally, whether you are a royal or a regular Joe, mental health is not an issue that should be swept under the rug.
While the behind-the-velvet-drapes details and icy in-laws may be the most common trait the royal family shares with us everyday folks, there are really only two truths from Oprah's open mic night with Harry and Meghan.
First, the royal crew has some inner-circle examinations to do.
Second, considering our still-strong fascination with all things related to the crown, how long will it be before CNN approaches Harry and Meghan about a panel show?
They can call it "Going Duchess."
Or "Battle Royal."
Contact Jay Greeson at jgreeson@timesfreepress.com.
Jay Greeson