Environmental icon Jeff Bezos blasted his buddy William Shatner into space last week on Bezos' rocket ship, Blue Origin. They used tons of fuel and discharged the huge metal rocket that held the fuel back onto Earth. Since it was from Amazon's founder, the package discharged from this journey landed broken and on the wrong person's porch.
The 65-mile "space" trip lasted 10 minutes - not long enough to have a glass of Tang. This set the record for Democrats spending the most money for a 10-minute, self-indulgent thrill ride.
Bezos, described by both himself and the toy newspaper he bought, The Washington ComPost, as an "environmentalist," is the same guy who built Amazon. You know, the company that puts the batteries you order in a box the size of a dorm room refrigerator and delivers it to your neighbor's house in Amazon trucks that billow diesel smoke all through your neighborhood. Yet we have somehow been gaslighted into believing that this lefty is a "champion" of the environment.
Elon Musk, Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, Richard Branson and now Jeff Bezos, mid-life crisis billionaire nerds, feel compelled to fly themselves for the world to see in phallic-symbol big rockets the distance of a Delta commuter jet ride from Augusta to Atlanta. Just how bad has Earth gotten when the United States' richest men want to get the heck out of here?
All these billionaires are spending their money to one-up each other 65 miles above Earth. Remember when buying an NFL team or doing cocaine was a sign you were making too much money?
Anyone watching these "Blue" rockets cannot help but think of a Viagra ad. There is something Freudian at play here. The week after watching the rocket rumble into space, women all over the world were ordering the Bezos "Blue Origin" model for themselves. I had no idea so many women were suddenly interested in outer space.
To be fair, I do like that the private sector is spending money to explore space instead of the bloated dopes in our federal space agency, NASA. Bezos says he has more than $100 million booked in space travel by rich men, which is a good way to fund research.
One of my favorites, Shatner (who was celebrating his 90th birthday), was on this latest Bezos rocket trip. Bezos was on the ground to welcome Shatner back to Earth, and to wish him a happy 90th and his hair a happy 50th. We have spent trillions of dollars on space exploration, and we have Tang and Velcro to show for it. On this trip, scientists set out to determine the strength of Velcro in zero-gravity by gauging its ability to keep Shatner's toupee in place.
People in California do admire Shatner. The Kardashians have a wood-paneled library in their 8,000-square-foot home with a complete collection of the entire works of William Shatner.
I do like Shatner. He has made a lot of money in Priceline stock, for which he was the early spokesman. Ever the businessman, Shatner learned in his space travel about the science of incontinence. His next big venture is a diaper sewn into pants for the aging U.S. adult population. The slogan could be: "Americans can then boldly go where no man has gone before." He will also have a special line of these slacks designed just for women. I think he will call that line "Shatner Pants."
Contact Ron Hart, a syndicated op-ed satirist, author and TV/radio commentator, at Ron@RonaldHart.com or Twitter @RonaldHart.