Staff photo by C.B. Schmelter / Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg speaks during a rally at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center on Wednesday, Feb. 12, 2020 in Chattanooga, Tenn.

Bernie Sanders' victory in New Hampshire has driven the Democratic Party establishment into mass hysterics.

Now they rush to embrace multibillionaire Mike Bloomberg, the former Republican mayor of New York City, to save them from President Donald Trump.

Bloomberg is buying this thing.

They're afraid of young people voting. But if they want a "moderate," they've got Sen. Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota, who came in third in New Hampshire, beating former can't-miss candidates Sen. Elizabeth "Pow Wow Chow" Warren and former Vice President Joe "Dead Man Walking to South Carolina" Biden.

"Lying dog-faced pony soldier!" shouts Joe "Dead Man Walking." "No malarkey!"

(MORE: Sanders edges Buttigieg in New Hampshire, giving Democrats 2 front-runners)

This has been too much for him.

Mayor Pete came in second to Sanders. He's calm and says nothing, with elegance. But he might be too calm, bordering on the Manchurian. He never sweats. Don't other Mayor Pete models come from the factory with lifelike pores?

If Bloomberg really wants to get rid of Trump, Mike should just climb down off that little box of his and give $300 million or so to Amy Klobuchar.

She's not perfect. And there's that business about Klobuchar eating a salad with a comb. I hope she doesn't like chunky blue cheese dressing.

But politics is all about matchups. She's smart, she's got personality. Against Trump, she could win.

The Democratic establishment isn't listening. It's too busy panicking over Bernie.

(MORE: Bloomberg rallies Chattanooga: 'Trump is afraid of me.')

The establishment talks about finding "moderates" to combat Bernie's socialism, but get real. There are no "moderates" in the Democratic Party. John Kennedy couldn't get the nomination from today's Democrats. They've all moved far to the left.

And any who haven't, like anti-abortion Democrats, have been hunted to extinction. They're exceedingly rare, like the white-rumped vulture or the Bornean orangutan.

The real reason establishment Democrats are in hysterics over Sanders is this: If he wins, he won't let them control things.

That terrifies them. But they don't say that.

Instead, they use "Fear of Bernie" and "Fear of Trump" interchangeably.

In 2020, the Fear of Bernie manifests itself in Media Adulation of Mike.

To puff up Bloomberg, Democratic establishment scribes sing his praises, including Thomas Friedman of the New York Times.

In "Paging Michael Bloomberg," a gushing column full of childlike yearning for a political savior, Friedman searches for the right candidate to defeat Trump and save us.

(MORE: Democrats seek path through diverse states after Iowa, New Hampshire)

"And this candidate knows how to get stuff done — he can fight this fire at the scale of the fire. His team has for years used social networks to promote progressive issues to centrist and conservative audiences. He won't cede the internet/Facebook/Twitter battlefield to Trump's team, who are killers in that space.

"And this candidate is now rising steadily in the polls. This candidate is Michael Bloomberg. This candidate has Trump very worried."

Bloomberg must have loved it. But at the end of the pro-Bloomberg column there was this from Friedman:

(Disclosure: Bloomberg Philanthropies has donated to Planet Word, the museum my wife is building in Washington, to promote reading and literacy.)

Shouldn't that have been the headline, before the Bloomberg gushing commenced?

If I did that in the Chicago Tribune and gushed over a politician who gave money to my wife, I'd be fired.

They're so irrational. It's that fear, the Fear of Bernie, that compels them, for the Love of Mike.

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