Apparently, the Second Civil War did not break out. Unless no one has told us, of course.
Right-wing conspiracist Alex Jones, on his show "Infowars" last weekend, suggested that "Democrats plan to launch civil war on July 4."
Some would say they launched it when Donald Trump was elected president, while some would say it's been going on for years.
Jones, apparently, had something organized in mind, with leaders and battles and White House takeovers.
Trump, not missing a beat, invited military families to a picnic at the executive mansion in honor of Independence Day. What a group of folks to have on hand, after all, if Democrats were going start a war. However, we don't know if the ban on guests having weapons was rescinded for the event. Just in case.
The prediction of war was too tempting not to parody, though. Twitter followers - seemingly from both sides of the political aisle - took their lead from the Ken Burns Public Broadcasting System documentary "The Civil War," which included the recitation of letters sent to and from the front lines in the language of the day.
Republicans, in the tweets, were painted as slow, dumb, fat, white Southerners, while Democrats were portrayed as self-serving, pampered, predictable, nouveau riche hipsters.
Yes, the stereotypes were brutal, but many of the tweets were funny. And it somehow felt good to have something to laugh at rather than the partisan attacks, half truths, lies and innuendos with which we're constantly bombarded.
The defending Republicans in what one tweet called the Battle of Starbucks forced their captives to watch "The Dukes of Hazzard" "for what feels like an eternity," gave them Budweiser when they requested water and Kentucky Fried Chicken when they requested food.
We're quite certain one or more of those may be a violation of the Geneva Convention.
One of the attacking Democrats, according to another tweet, complained that the mess hall had run out of avocados, so he was having to endure jam on his toast. How gauche! The war was so "trying," he said, that his therapy unicorn brought him no comfort.
Things looked dim for the Resistance-turned-aggressors at one point, with tweeter Col. Morris Davis, a former George W. Bush-era prosecutor at Guantanamo Bay, desperately calling out to Alexa that "we are pinned down and are in urgent need of ammunition. Please send ASAP but only if it qualifies for Amazon Prime's free shipping."
The tide may have turned, then, according to one tweeter, who wrote encouragingly to General Rodham (the maiden name of Hillary Clinton), that "we have gained on the enemy by building a wall of your emails, which they can't get over."
Fact or justification on the emails, see what she did there?
Other tweeters provided evidence that war is hell, writing of a Democrat sneaking behind enemy lines and removing gender-specific signage from Republican latrines, of Democrats forcing a Republican captive to bake 75 gay wedding cakes, of Democrats running low on Clif bars, of Republicans blocking their foes' ability to access a porn site Pornhub, Lyft/Uber, food delivery service GrubHub and Twitter, of Democrats having no place to recharge their Kindles, of trapped-behind-enemy lines Democrats witnessing that Republicans eat Miracle Whip and are fans of rocker Ted Nugent, and of sieged Democrats finding out they are out of sushi.
Even Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, got in on the fun, noting that "we will be victorious" because the "progressive factions have come to battle ill-prepared and armed with predictable strategem."
After the one-day hiatus of humor, we're sure the partisan attacks will return unabated. In a way, though, those attacks are predictable. We know what they'll say and why they'll say it.
It's another kind of attack that bothers us more. It's one that attempts to sow discord among those on the left and right who are too smart to fall for partisan attacks by telling their lies through reasoned arguments. One in Salon, written to ostensibly talk about the Second Civil War, is a recent example.
"At present," it begins, "America feels like a broken country. Democrats and Republicans do not live in the same neighborhoods or communities. Nor do Democrats and Republicans communicate with each other in meaningful and personal ways.
"Liberals and conservatives have little overlap in their fundamental beliefs about the common good and what it means to live in a just and democratic society. Even the ability to find common ground on the basic nature of empirical reality and the facts seems impossible across divides of party and political belief."
We couldn't disagree more. Yes, at the fringes of both parties, there is little agreement. But away from the fringes, where most people live, there is much in common. We know Democrats and Republicans do live in the same neighborhoods, and we know they do communicate personally and meaningfully.
But more than that, we believe Democrats and Republicans have many fundamental beliefs in common and can find common ground in many areas. The way to achieve those ends may be different, but we don't believe the vast majority of people outside the fringes want a Second Civil War. Especially one fought with Miracle Whip and venti caramel lattes.