5-at-10: Ghost Bonds, Virus and Celebrating Chuck Norris, the man who cut a knife with hot butter


              FILE - In this June 28, 2016, file photo, Miami Marlins hitting coach Barry Bonds looks from the dugout during the first inning of a baseball game against the Detroit Tigers in Detroit. Bonds has joined the San Francisco Giants front office as a special adviser, the team announced Tuesday, March 21, 2017. Bonds, who hit 762 career home runs, was fired last fall as the hitting coach for the Marlins after one season. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio, File)
FILE - In this June 28, 2016, file photo, Miami Marlins hitting coach Barry Bonds looks from the dugout during the first inning of a baseball game against the Detroit Tigers in Detroit. Bonds has joined the San Francisco Giants front office as a special adviser, the team announced Tuesday, March 21, 2017. Bonds, who hit 762 career home runs, was fired last fall as the hitting coach for the Marlins after one season. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio, File)

Blackballed

Barry Bonds sat down with The Athletic for a very interesting - and quite candid - interview.

The excellent work by Andrew Baggarly is here, and remember it's a pay site.

Here are the lead quotes in Baggarly's really well-written story:

"I feel like a ghost," he said, his eyes locked on some distant point. "A ghost in a big empty house, just rattling around."

And then: "A death sentence. That's what they've given me."

A bit later: "My heart, it's broken. Really broken."

Powerful stuff, no?

There are a few things we can all agree on in terms of Barry Bonds.

Point 1: Dude was one of the five best players ever. The numbers support that lofty praise.

Point 2: Dude was an all-time surly jackwagon. The stories support that heavy indictment.

Point 3: Dude went from a high-average, gap-power guy who would get the 30 steals a lot easier than the 30 homers to be a 30-30 guy early in his career, to the most feared and dominant slugger not named Ruth the game has ever seen.

Point 4: The state of baseball is clearly different than in the wake of the post-PED era when fans felt cheated, the numbers felt hollow and the game's leadership feigned outrage and exiled Bonds and Clemens and the rest as disgraced cheaters.

That last one is incredibly hard to follow, considering what the Astros just put the sport through, and no, two cheating scandals do not make a right. But if baseball is going to barely bat an eye at the trash-can-clanging Houston Cheaters, then how can the gatekeepers in Cooperstown look Bonds and Clemens in the eyes when leaving them off their ballots?

And the game is also changing in terms of who is the most possible off-the-field personality in baseball. Any guesses?

Yep, it's formerly disgraced Alex Rodriguez, who was given the longest suspension in the history of the sport for his admitted PED use and for lying about it.

Now, he is the voice of the game - what Dickie V was to college hoops at the height of his powers or Madden to the NFL at the height of his - with a reconstructed image so sterling that there are folks wondering if A-Rod could be baseball's next commissioner.

Seriously. Man, I know J-Lo is hot, but wow.

So A-Rod is now the golden boy.

And Bonds is a ghost.

I don't care how big a jackwagon he was, that double standards seems brutally unfair, no?

Viral virus

Here's TFP all-around college ace David Paschall on the virus and the heightened awareness of those running the SEC tournament.

Here's TFP ace columnist Mark Wiedmer on how sports in general could be affected by the precautions and cancellations.

And here's my coronavirus column on A2 in today's TFP, and the numbers do not equal the hysteria.

This is not saying that the Greeson clan is planning on flying to Beijing anytime soon or booking a Carnival cruise for later this summer. (Side note: How good a deal could you get for a cruise package right now? Seriously?)

We are planning on having our broker double our investment in the market. Yes, that means we will have all of $50 in the stock market, but hey, gotta spend it to make it right? (Or as Bruce Arians likes to say, "No risk it, no biscuit.")

Yes, we are washing our hands. Hey, if they close school, I'm sure the 5-at-10 tots will enjoy the extra off days. And of course, I pray those I know and love - and even those I don't - are safe and healthy.

But that was the case last year when it was something, it's the case today as the hysteria circles about the corona, and will be the case next year, when hysteria will circle about the next unknown "Wash-your-hands, vampire sneeze" outbreak happens. (Side note: Why did "Outbreak" not get more love? Great cast. Good story. A monkey. What's not to love? Oh yeah, that Kevin Spacey stuff.)

In a lot of ways, this is the medical politicization (or the political medicalization) that overlaps our societal problem of reacting and legislating to the smallest of percentages.

We put rules and laws in place to cover the loopholes and try to prevent the worst case - and often lawsuit-possible - scenarios.

The numbers as of right now are clear in terms of coronavirus. You have a 1 in 6 chance of dying of heart disease, 1 in 7 of dying from cancer, 1 in 93 of an opioid overdose, 1 in 103 of a car wreck and 1 in more than 1.66 million of catching the virus (catching, not dying, mind you) if you live in Tennessee.

A roundhouse kick to the birthday cake

Chuck Norris is 80 today. Not sure how the "Chuck Norris jokes" (which also became "Tim Tebow jokes") came about, but they were, are and will forever be great.

Don't know the Chuck Norris jokes? Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. Chuck Norris pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris cut a knife with hot butter.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the darkness off.

Giraffes were not created by God; Chuck Norris hit a horse with an uppercut.

When the boogeyman checks his closet, he's checking for Chuck Norris.

Covid-19 (aka coronavirus) was seen in a panic and buying up half of the first-aid section at Wal-Mart. Covid-19 heard Chuck Norris was in town.

Did I miss one or 12? Feel free to share your favorite Chuck Norris joke.

This and that

- Congrats to ETSU for winning the SoCon tournament and getting an invite to the NCAA party.

- College picks went 2-1 last night, hitting ETSU minus-7.5 (72-58 winner) and North Dakota State minus-2 (75-69 winner) and missing BYU minus-4 (51-50 loss). We're 46-32-1 against the number on college hoops. That's a smudge less than 59 percent, which is getting closer to real entertainment.

- Speaking of baseball, and I've wondered about potential deals like this for several years now. The Brewers and Christian Yelich agreed on a $215 million, nine-year extension. In baseball, that's a bargain for a guy with an MVP and is a career .301 hitter with 24 homers per 162 games and a career WAR of 33.6. (For perspective, WAR - wins above replacement - is a cumulative stat and Yelich's 33.6 in seven seasons is very close to Freddie Freeman's 37.4 over 10 seasons and higher than Nick Markakis' 33.0 in 14 seasons.) Yelich's contract has a wrinkle that could be Bobby Bonilla-esque. From the AP news story: "Yelich's $215 million, nine-year contract with the team calls for Brewers to defer $4 million each year from his $26 million annual salary from 2022-28. The deal includes a $20 million mutual option for 2029 with a $6.5 million buyout, and $2 million of the buyout would be deferred. If the buyout is owed, the $30 million in deferred money would be paid in 12 installments of $2.5 million each July 1 from 2031-42. If the buyout is not owed, Yelich would receive the $28 million in 11 installments of $2,333,333 each July 1 from 2031-41 and a final payment of $2,333,337 on July 1, 2042."

- Looking at WAR stats and cashing in, if Yelich is getting $215 million, then you have to think Mookie Betts, who is two years younger and has a 42-plus WAR in only six seasons, is actually going to get somewhere in that $400-million neighborhood, which we all know is a really nice neighborhood.

- Buyer's remorse, Jets? Cornerback Trumaine Johnson is reportedly going to be released by the Jets, two seasons after signing a five-year, $72.5-million deal. The deal had $45 million in guaranteed money, and this is such a killer, the Jets will have to eat $12 million in dead cap money this year or spread it over the next two years. So, for a signing that bad, if the Jets don't split the payments, they will theoretically be paying Johnson not to play about what the Patriots will pay Stephon Gilmore to be an All-Pro in 2020. And you wonder why some franchises are always bad.

- This was an absolute must-have for CBS. After losing out on the SEC football package, keeping golf on its network had to be a top priority, right behind its future dealings with the NFL and maybe March Madness. (Although that is kind of 60-40 these days with Turner. And with this year's potential bracket craziness, and the fact that the Final Four will be on TBS, this will be the least-watched NCAA basketball championship ever.)


Today's questions

As for True or False Tuesday, well, it's true. Today is Tuesday.

True or false, A-Rod will be a Hall of Famer

True or false, Chuck Norris is on the Rushmore of movie martial artists.

True or false, "Dodgeball" is a sports movie.

True or false, Barry Bonds will eventually make the Baseball Hall of Fame.

As for other happenings for today, well, Carrie Underwood is 37.

And did you know that Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call ever on this day in 1876?

Rushmore of telephone(s), and do be creative.

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