More anesthesia
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
» Oops!
» Has anyone seen my watch?
» That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
» Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
» OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
» Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
» Come back with that! Bad dog!
» Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
» Hand me that uh that uh thingie
» If I can just remember how they did this on “ER.”
» Dang, there go the lights again.
» You know, there’s big money in kidneys, and this guy’s got two of ’em.
Lisa Denton» Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
» Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
» I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
» Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
» Sterile, shmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
» What do you mean, he’s not insured?
» This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
» Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
» Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.
» What do you mean you want a divorce?!
» I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
» Hey, Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.
» Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!
» FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Current events
» A small town in Missouri recently launched a newspaper called The Examiner. The mayor is upset about this and to understand why, you need to know that the town is called – I promise this is real – Uranus. So the newspaper that they launched is The Uranus Examiner. – James Corden
» Now, the mayor wants the name changed. She thinks it opens up the town to ridicule. Though it’s hard to command any respect when your official title is “Mayor of Uranus.” – James Corden
» Yesterday a spokesperson for “Sesame Street” said that Bert and Ernie do not, I repeat, do not have a sexual orientation. A spokesperson then added, “But Big Bird is really into Asian chicks.” – Conan O’Brien
» While covering the Emmys The New York Times confused actress Angela Bassett with former White House adviser Omarosa. Making matters worse, today the Times extended a heartfelt apology to Serena Williams. – Conan O’Brien
» A restaurant owner in Maine is testing out what she believes to be a more humane way of killing the lobsters they serve. What they do is they get the lobsters high on marijuana smoke before they cook them. For real. How the lobsters hold the joint with their claw I don’t know. But I would bet $100 she came up with this idea while she was smoking in a Jacuzzi. – Jimmy Kimmel
‘ I heard that Meghan Markle is coming out with a cookbook. Since she’s a royal, the cookbook just says: “Step 1: Sit and wait for food.” – Jimmy Fallon
» Over the past week, giant plastic-wrapped bundles of marijuana have been mysteriously washing ashore along the coast of Florida. And people have been spotted fighting over them. President Trump immediately congratulated the locals, saying, “Hey, at least you got some nice weed out of the deal.” – James Corden
» It happened along the coast of Florida. Or as they’re calling it now, the Great Barrier Reefer. This story gives new meaning to the term “seaweed.” I mean, talk about “high tide.” – James Corden
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs: Around the White House
› Following an accusation of sexual assault, Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh visited the White House today for the second day in a row. It’s the first time an accused sexual assaulter has gotten into the White House without the Electoral College. — Seth Meyers› President Trump advised the Spanish government to build a wall to block out migrants. Trump told Spain, “Trust me, the last thing you want coming into your country is a bunch of Spanish-speaking people.” — Conan O’Brien› Trump was at an event celebrating Hispanic heritage. And this is nice — he even brought along Jeff Sessions to be the piñata. — Jimmy Fallon› Hurricane Florence has stopped dumping rain but rivers are rising, power’s out in a lot of places, floods are threatening residents in the Carolinas. The president, though, is on top of the situation. Fear not, he went to Costco. He bought a 24-pack of those big paper towels and he flew straight to the scene. — Jimmy Kimmel› Before he did that, he tweeted this message of thanks to all those working to lessen the impact of this monster of a storm. “I just want to thank all of the incredible men and women who have done such a great job in helping with Florence. This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water.” That’s right — even his water is “the wettest.” — Jimmy Kimmel› Today President Trump met with the victims of Hurricane Florence. The victims said, “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.” Then they talked about the hurricane. — Conan O’Brien› Trump spent today touring the Carolinas. At one point, he stopped to ask a resident about a large boat that had washed ashore next to his house. According to reports, Trump asked the man, “Is this your boat?” When the homeowner said “No,” Trump actually replied — this is true — “At least you got a nice boat out of the deal.” — James Corden› This week President Trump ordered the Justice Department to declassify secret documents related to the investigation of Russian meddling in our election, despite the intelligence community voicing their opposition to the move because it potentially jeopardizes the security of American intelligence assets. But he’s the president, and I would certainly hope he’d have a good reason — but I would certainly be wrong. Because when he was asked what was in the documents, he said, “I have not reviewed them.” Yeah, that takes too long. It’s like the Apple user agreement. You just scroll to the bottom and click “Treason.” — Stephen Colbert› Trump also addressed the conspiracy theory that his administration is being opposed inside the government by the so-called “Deep State.” But Trump doesn’t like that phrase. “I don’t like to use it because it sounds so conspiratorial, and believe it or not, I’m really not a conspiratorial person.” I wonder who spread the rumor that he was conspiratorial? Must be the same people who faked Obama’s birth certificate, stole all those people from Trump’s inauguration crowd and helped Ted Cruz’s father kill JFK. — Stephen ColbertSource: www.newsmax.com