DAVE LETTERMAN’S TOP 10
10. “Between you and me, Moses was a blowhard.”9. “Only Judy can judge me.”8. “Don’t kiss the ring; I just Purelled.”7. “One senior for ‘Kick-Ass 2’ please.”6. Ok, we get it, Tebow – you like Jesus.”5. “Maybe I’ll have viewers turn the volume way down and I’ll whisper my sermon.”4. “You kids got smokes for Grandpa?”3. “Ladies and gentleman, Hoobastank.”2. “We should probably tell the authorities about this.”1. “Will the congregation please twerk.”Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”
Return on investment
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation, “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons: a $500 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $300 sermon that lasts 15 minutes and a $50 sermon that last a full hour. Now we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.”
Off message
A father and son are fishing alongside a gravel road when an unfamiliar car drives by.
The father holds up a sign that says, “The End Is Near,” and yells, “Turn yourself around before it’s too late.”
The driver yells out the window, “Leave us alone, you religious nut.”