My records tell me it has been five months since I have placed my mental ducks in a row; at this point, they have joined the mental chickens and bees in a coup attempt and need to be brought back into line before I have to call in reinforcements.
I present to you, therefore, Random Access Musings, Volume 11.
One: No matter how much she begs, pleads, cajoles or threatens, never give a woman in menopause control over the church thermostat. Having to dial 911 over cases of hypothermia in the auditorium is a bad look, especially while said menopausal thermostat queen is frantically fanning herself.
Two: Like many churches, ours held a fall festival with a trunk or treat this year. The numbers were as follows. Seventy-nine people from our church serving in it, 300 hot dogs served up, 209 people from the community attending (pretty remarkable given the road construction that makes us very hard to find currently), 100% receiving gospel packets, one kind of music playing (gospel) and zero rips given for anyone who did not like it and proclaimed that we were somehow selling our souls to Satan.
Three: I propose that we gather all of the “you qualify for a loan” and “we want to talk to you about your car warranty” and “do you want to sell your property” people under one roof of one gigantic facility, hold them there for life, give them all phones and allow them to do nothing but call each other for the rest of their lives.
Four: Fall is upon us, and it is unquestionably the loveliest time of the year. It is also a reminder that we humans should also become more lovely in all the ways that matter most as our years draw toward the winter of life as well.
Five: My revival meetings for the year are drawing to a close. I have been in North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Virginia, Tennessee, South Dakota and Michigan. If anything makes me optimistic for America, it is that there are so many good men and good churches all over the land still doing right and fulfilling the Great Commission.
Six: A few months ago, one of our fantastic deacons, Arnold Ford, had a major stroke and we feared we might lose him. Our church prayed with all of our hearts, and on Sunday, he drove himself to church. God is good!
Seven: A few months ago, a lady contacted us and asked if we knew of anything that could help her kids read all the way through the Bible, understand it and track it. So I started doing “Wagner’s One Year Walk Through the Bible” on Facebook each day. I summarize what is happening in each chapter, define all of the hard words and phrases, give an interesting thing to know and give them encouragement to keep going. This, having to see each word and passage through the eyes of a nine-year-old again, has likely helped me as much as I am helping anyone else. It is easy, through the long years, to forget that not everyone speaks “Bible-ese” fluently.
Eight: When I was young, I used to loudly sing “Patches! I’m countin’ on you son, to pull the family through, Patches, it’s all left up to you.” These days, I loudly sing “Pain Patches! I’m countin’ on you son, to pull my body through, pain patches, it’s all left up to you.”
Nine: Thanksgiving is almost upon us. This means that it is incumbent upon me to remind everyone of certain spiritual truths, such as the facts that God is good, we should be grateful, family should be prioritized, those without families should be brought in to celebrate with ours and cranberry sauce should not slide out of a can with a “schlorp!” and look like gelatinous red dog food.
Ten: Churches that support missionaries around the world should remember that those missionaries will be far, far away from home, friends and family for the holidays. That being the case, we should stay in closer touch with them than normal for the next couple of months to let them know they have not been forgotten. I also recommend sending each of them a nice Christmas bonus and having it arrive to them in November. Everyone from factory workers to pastors normally receive a bonus this time of year; missionaries would be greatly blessed by the same.
Eleven: No one is living by faith quite as radically as the person who actually reaches for his or her things the first time a preacher says some variation of “In conclusion.”
Twelve: a judge may not forgive you for tasing someone who walks out of the restroom without washing their hands, but I would, and I’m pretty sure God would, too.
Bo Wagner is pastor of Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, North Carolina, a widely traveled evangelist and the author of several books available on Amazon and wordofhismouth.com. Email him at 2knowhim@cbc-web.org.