Eight years into their marriage, Richard and Louella Marks were invited to attend a four-day, intensive marriage seminar. Richard is a trained marriage and family therapist and was preparing to lead similar events.
“While we were there, we participated in small groups,” says Marks, who has a Ph.D in counseling. “On the third day of the experience, my wife became emotional as she shared with the group. I reached over to comfort her. When I looked up, my mentor, who was leading the group, asked me to move my hand away from my wife. I was furious. At the break I asked him why he stopped me from comforting Louella. He turned to me and said, ‘You haven’t earned the right.'”
That was an eye-opening moment. Marks’ mentor went on to share with him that he was selfish and insecure and these two traits were undermining their marriage.
“That was a real revelation for me,” says Marks. “It was true. I was so into me, my comfort, what I wanted to do, that I totally ignored my wife’s needs. I had hurt her so much through the years. I made a decision at that moment to do something different.”
What Marks learned through is that any marriage can be healthy and strong as long as both people understand the most important part of the marriage is “us.” When “us” wins, both people win. When “us” loses, both lose.
“When I teach this concept to couples, someone almost always asks, ‘Are you saying that ‘us’ is so important that I have to leave myself behind?'” says Marks. “Many enter into marriage believing ‘my needs and wants supersede the needs of the relationship.’ That is the message of the culture.
But “the stronger ‘us’ becomes, the stronger you become as an individual.”
Marks contends that when “us” is strong, there is trust. When there is trust within the marriage, people feel free to explore, grow, do and be, and the relationship isn’t threatened. When “us” thrives, you feel freer to develop as an individual.
“There is no question this is counter-intuitive,” says Marks. “Most people believe their individuality will be lost in the relationship. Not true.
“Over time, as I showed humility and paid attention to helping my wife feel healthy and whole, our relationship became healthy and whole. Instead of her being angry at me for scheduling out-of-town speaking engagements, she encouraged me to go.”
This month, the Marks will celebrate 31 years of marriage. They both would tell you they have come a long way since that marriage seminar.
On Feb. 21, Marks will be in Chattanooga for Celebrate Marriage, a seminar to help couples to enhance their marriage. In what Marks describes as a high-energy, funny and engaging experience, couples will learn:
* Core needs of the heart, when met, create love; when not met, they create intense pain in the relationship;
* How the brain connects through confiding, and intimacy is built;
* The power of forgiveness;
* How to restore or increase intimacy in your marriage.
“These skills not only apply to your marriage,” says Marks. “You can use them with your children, other family members, in the workplace and beyond. At a recent seminar, a woman stopped me to say she used the skills she learned the night before with her daughter, with whom she was in conflict, and they had a breakthrough.”
To learn more about Celebrate Marriage, visit firstthings.org
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.