School daze
The following gems of wisdom are said to have been gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school and college students.
* H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
* To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
* When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
* Water is composed of two gins, oxygen and hydrogen. Oxygen is pure gin. Hydrogen is gin and water.
Lisa Denton* There is no nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
* Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
* Respiration is composed of two acts – first inspiration and then expectoration.
* The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
* A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
* Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
* The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
* A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
* The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
* Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
* Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
* Liter: A nest of young puppies.
* Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
* Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
* Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
* Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
* For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
* For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
* For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs
Around the White HouseFrom July 31-Aug. 4:› Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward — when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving. — Jimmy Fallon› Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with The New Yorker. You know it’s bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone’s still like, “What took so long?” — Jimmy Fallon› And get this — Scaramucci’s official start date was supposed to be Aug. 15. Or as Trump put it, “See? We’re setting so many records. He’s the first person to ever get fired BEFORE they even start working.” — Jimmy Fallon› It came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations.” Trump was like, “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby — you tweet her!” — Jimmy Fallon› Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus, who he fired. He wrote, “We accomplished a lot together, and I am proud of him.” That’s two lies in one sentence. — Jimmy Kimmel› It will be easier for Reince Priebus to go into a souvenir shop and find a novelty license plate with his name on it than it will be to find a job after this. — Jimmy Kimmel› The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That’s not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what’s left of his welcome cake. — Stephen Colbert› People are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci — he lasted just 10 days, making him the shortest-serving White House communications director ever. But don’t feel bad — publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience. — Jimmy Fallon› Trump is apparently looking for a less prominent position for Scaramucci that wouldn’t require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, “You want me to be first lady?” — Jimmy Fallon› After President Trump removed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci yesterday, he tweeted, “A great day at the White House.” Coincidentally, a great day at the White House is the average length of employment there. — Seth Meyers› White House officials yesterday said they hope to have a bill on tax reform sent to President Trump before December. December? Do you know how much time could happen between now and December? That’s 12 Scaramuccis from now. — Seth Meyers› According to NBC, Ivanka and first lady Melania Trump were disgusted by Scaramucci’s crude comments to The New Yorker. They say they absolutely will not tolerate that kind of language from someone whose will they are not in. — Seth Meyers› On Friday, Trump hired new White House chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. No surprise Trump picked a general. According to one source, “The kinds of people that Trump particularly likes are people with bucks (money) and braids, the military.” Yes, he likes people with bucks and braids. So if Kelly doesn’t work out, congratulations to our next chief of staff, Sparkle the show pony. — Stephen Colbert› Yesterday was White House Chief of Staff John Kelly’s first day on the job. But it got awkward when he showed up and said, “Why are you writing my name on the door in dry-erase marker?” — Jimmy Fallon› Tomorrow the president is leaving for a two-week vacation to his beloved Bedminster golf club in New Jersey. Finally, he’ll get time to play some golf. — Jimmy Kimmel› President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them. — Jimmy FallonSource: www.newsmax.com