By Cait Clarke and Neil Shister
Hybrid Mom
‘Tis the most unkindest of times for many a mother (and father, too) – parenting through the teen-age years. Nothing you say is right, nothing they do is wrong!
A good way to calm the waters is by negotiating with your adolescent. In many ways, it is the ultimate test of your negotiating skills.
The usual areas of discord are pretty clear: money, grades, going out at night, clothing and dress, chores around the house.
Stretch the limits of your creativity to look at those situations with fresh eyes. Avoid ritual patterns of blame and rebuttal by seeking to observe what’s happening as would a more neutral observer. Better yet, empathize with your teenager by taking on her perspective.
Indeed, think about how you may be contributing to the problem. Are you mirroring the way your parents treated you? Are you re-playing ancient scripts that have little to do with the actual circumstances before you?
As the parent of a teenager, you’re in a double bind. One the one hand, you’re responsible for your child’s safety and behavior; on the other, this is the phase of life when your child is asserting independence which you want to encourage.
To achieve mutually satisfying outcomes without those dreadful scenes, put your best negotiating skills to use!
Experts offer some concrete tips to negotiate with teenagers:
1. Never negotiate when you’re angry or emotionally upset.
2. Give full attention to your teenager – see him, hear him, note his body language.
3. Speak calmly.
4. Make it clear you understand her position and needs, make sure she understands yours.
5. Focus on the immediate problem, don’t lapse into a litany of past grievances and mistakes.
6. Brainstorm solutions that break through old rules and regulations.
—
Cait Clarke and Neil Shister are the founders of WomenNegotiaing.org and authors of Dare To Ask: The Women’s Guidebook To Successful Negotiating-which demonstrates how relationship building, empathy, intuition and social bonding – acts women do naturally – become powerful bargaining skills when you re-frame negotiation as “collaborative conversation.”
—
(c) 2010, Hybrid Mom, http://www.hybridmom.com/.