By age and sex
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply:
“Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”
Farm life
A man owned a small farm.
The state Treasury Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” the agent demanded.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farmhand who’s been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week, plus free room and board.
“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board.
“Then there’s the half wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
“He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
Lisa Denton“That’s the guy I want to talk to – the half wit,” said the agent.
“That would be me,” replied the farmer.
Office chatter
Harry irritated everyone in the office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, his co-workers all steered clear.
He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a colleague, “Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?”
Larry responded, “It saves time.”
Deja moo
– Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
– What do you get when you cross a cow and a Smurf? Blue cheese.
– What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
– What do you call a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
– How does a cow become invisible? Camooflage.
– Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
– How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
– Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.
– What do you call cows with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
– What is deja moo? The feeling you’ve heard this bull before.
Decision maker
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God arrives and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who dominated their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
In a matter of minutes, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there is only one man.
God gets a little peeved and says, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replies, “I don’t know – my wife told me to stand here.”
Game on
Several chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
To attract her
Bill goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere.
“What are you doing?” asks Bill.
Pete says, “My wife has been ignoring me lately, so I talked to my psychiatrist, and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”
Going through the change
From the archives, late-night jokes about climate change:
– The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather – because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen? – Jimmy Fallon
– Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N. Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever. – Jimmy Kimmel
– About 400,000 people marched in New York today to draw attention to climate change. They held up signs and banners. They chanted things like “Hey, hey, ho, ho, fossil fuels have got to go.” You know when somebody begins a chant with “Hey, hey, ho, ho,” they mean business. – Jimmy Kimmel
– U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world’s supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, “OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.” – Jimmy Fallon
– Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night “talkathon” on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk – or as Al Gore calls that, “a first date.” – Jimmy Fallon
– This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals. – Seth Meyers
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs: From the archive
Seth Meyers’ favorite jokes of the week (Aug. 6, 2018)› Vice President Mike Pence met today with the governor of the Virgin Islands, which is also what everybody called him in high school.› An Amish man in Michigan recently started and horse-and-buggy ridesharing service that he is calling Amish Uber. Said his family, “How do you know what Uber is?”› According to a new report, White House senior adviser Jared Kushner personally asked editors at The New York Observer to remove negative stories about his friends and colleagues while he served as the owner of the paper. Said his friends and colleagues, “Uh, we’re just colleagues.”› President Trump tweeted today about Republican wins in primaries in Ohio’s special election last night, tweeting, “5 for 5!” Or he might have just been tweeting about some new deal from KFC.