Late Night Laughs
Around the White House› The president and his wife were in Florida today to look at the damage caused by Hurricane Irma. Trump cares very deeply about the state of Florida. Almost every weekend since he was sworn in, he has personally flown to Florida to make sure there were no hurricanes there. Sometimes he even carries a golf club to fend them off. — Jimmy Kimmel› President Trump is actually getting a lot of praise for his response to hurricanes Harvey and Irma. He’s getting some praise. Here’s the thing, though. You know, it’s not a good sign for your presidency when the best thing that happens to you is two hurricanes. — Conan O’Brien› This morning President Trump tweeted that his border wall is going to be built out of old fences. Which explains why today, millions of Americans walked out of their homes and said, “Where the [heck’s] my fence?” — Jimmy Fallon› Ivanka Trump said that she doesn’t speak out against her dad publicly because “when you’re part of a team, you’re part of a team.” I think what she meant to say is “when you’re part of a will, you’re part of a will.” — Jimmy Fallon› Facebook is under fire because, during last year’s election, Facebook sold lots of ad space to Russia. Facebook said the problem has been fixed. Now they’re selling that ad space to a really nice lady named Isis. — Conan O’BrienSource: www.newsmax.com
Suspicious behavior
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”
Lisa DentonFree drinks
A man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”
The man answers, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be $10.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this,” the man replies.
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he has a point there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender, now ticked off, says to the guy, “OK, you beat me for this one. But don’t ever come back here again!”
A few days later, the same man walks into the bar.
The bartender says, “What do you think you’re doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The man says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. I feel like you were here a few days ago. You must have a double.”
To which the man replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
‘What Happened’
From www.newsmax.com:
* Hillary Clinton’s book “What Happened” came out today, and I heard that it’s almost 500 pages long. Unfortunately, the only person with enough time to read it is Hillary Clinton. – Jimmy Fallon
* I heard that Hillary will actually be signing books at a Costco in Connecticut. It’s going to be awesome when someone gets to the front and goes, “Oh, I thought this was the line for cheese samples. I’m sorry. Can you sign a cheese sample?” – Jimmy Fallon
* Hillary Clinton’s new book came out today. It is called “What Happened.” That’s not a joke. That’s what it is called. This is why Hillary lost. A real president doesn’t write books. They write tweets. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Meanwhile, I saw that Hillary is going on a cross-country tour to promote the book. Then Democrats said, “Oh, so NOW you’ll visit some swing states.” – Jimmy Fallon
* Hillary Clinton is out promoting her new book, and in an interview this week, she said that if she’d won the election, she would’ve been seen as a “genius.” I don’t know about that, cuz Trump DID win the election, and nobody’s calling HIM a genius. – Jimmy Fallon
* Hillary Clinton is promoting her new book. She told Anderson Cooper that a lot of people come up to her now to apologize for not voting. And when they do that, she says she doesn’t forgive them. I guess she used all her forgiveness up on her husband. – Jimmy Kimmel
* This morning on the “Today” show Hillary Clinton gave her first live interview since the election. It did not go well. She started out talking about the election, but she just ended up drinking a case of wine with Kathie Lee and Hoda. – James Corden
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
* The new iPhone is pretty incredible. Experts say it’s going to revolutionize the way we ignore the person standing right next to us. It’s called the iPhone 10. – James Corden
* The new iPhone will be able to track stair climbing and mountain hiking. The big question is, will it have any features for Americans? That’s not our thing. That’s not – it has a “Shows Watched” feature. – Conan O’Brien
* Apple today unveiled a special edition iPhone X, which will have two more hours of battery life than current iPhones. Wow, three hours of battery life! – Seth Meyers
* Apple is working with medical professionals to see if Apple Watches can detect heart problems. Here’s how it works. If the Apple Watch doesn’t fit around your wrist, you have a heart problem. – Conan O’Brien
* The new iPhone 10 was released and Samsung, not to be left out, announced that they are hoping to release a bendable version of the Galaxy Note that folds in half. Now here’s my question: Can it bend into an iPhone 10? If not, I don’t care. – James Corden
* A foldable mobile phone. Or, as it was called 10 years ago, a mobile phone [shows picture of flip phone]. – James Corden
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.