Punchlines

Late Night Laughs

Keeping Up With the Candidates› I saw that Bill Clinton was in the Bronx campaigning for Hillary yesterday and visited the Hebrew Home for the Aging. While Hillary actually went there to drop off Bernie Sanders. — Jimmy Fallon› Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like one child better than another. Then one mother said, “Don’t use my name, ’cuz I don’t want Jeb to find out.” — Jimmy Fallon› According to some analysts, Donald Trump’s support is deeper than it looks. Although others say Trump just took the support he has and combed it over to make it look better. — Conan O’Brien› It’s come out that President Obama has been allowed to see special advance episodes of the new season of “Game of Thrones.” Obama says he watches “Game of Thrones” to remember what it’s like to have reasonably sane people compete for leadership. — Conan O’Brien› In a recent interview, Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, said Donald Trump’s nasty tweet about her looks did not impact her. Heidi Cruz said, “Part of my marriage vow to Ted was to give up all human feeling.” — Conan O’Brien› The cast of ABC’s “Scandal” is set to appear at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton later this month. Unless she loses in New York, in which case she’d like to speak with the folks at “How To Get Away With Murder.” — Seth Meyers› House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. And you know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren’t even running are dropping out of the race. — Seth Meyers› Last night, CNN hosted a town hall with Republican front-runner Donald Trump, and at one point he complained that the rules of the election are stacked against him “by the establishment.” You gotta give it to Trump. He’s the only man who could inherit millions of dollars, have his name on buildings, and still go, “Life is totally unfair!” — Jimmy Fallon› Trump’s family was also at the town hall, and Trump’s daughter Ivanka was asked if the election is straining her friendship with Chelsea Clinton. Which means we have officially begun the presidential campaign of 2032, everybody! — Jimmy Fallon› Donald Trump’s son Eric said last night that his father is his “best friend in the entire world.” Said Donald, “Right back at ya, Jeff.” — Seth Meyers* Bernie Sanders this morning joined the Verizon workers picket line here in New York. It’s a perfect match, because Bernie always talks like he’s getting bad reception. — Seth Meyers› Over 27,000 people attended a massive rally for Bernie Sanders in Manhattan’s Washington Square Park. Well, technically, 7,000 people showed up for Bernie, while 20,000 New Yorkers just saw a line and got in it. — Jimmy Fallon› Tonight, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debated in Brooklyn. And they’ll follow that up tomorrow with a rap battle in the Bronx. — Conan O’Brien› When asked about his potential running mates, Donald Trump said he would consider Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, and John Kasich. Or as Trump calls them, “Shrimpy, Stupidface, and Loser.” — Conan O’Brien› During their family town hall event on CNN last night, Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that their daughters want Taylor Swift to be their first guest to visit the White House. Aw, that’s so cute. They think he has a chance. — Seth Meyers› During last night’s town hall, Ted Cruz talked about how his daughters often play a game with him, called “attack the daddy.” His daughter was like, “It’s not a game.” — Seth MeyersSource: www.newsmax.com