It’s that time again.
Our younger son turned 15 years old last week and immediately started asking if he could take the exam to get his learner’s permit.
I won’t be able to hold him off for very long, but I do want to get a few points in first.
I told him there are the Tennessee state driving laws, which he has been studying, but there also Dad’s laws, which are just as important.
Rather than just tell him these things, I decided to make a list of do’s and don’ts. I may clip it out of the newspaper and tape it to his dash.
So here goes, Son. Daddy’s driving do’s and don’ts.
1. Don’t drink and drive.
Now, or ever. The state’s threshold for over-21 drivers may be .08% blood alcohol, but as long as I’m paying for your car insurance, the acceptable blood alcohol level is 0.00.
One caveat: You have my permission to use my debit card for an Uber if you should ever find yourself in a pickle. The first use is “no questions asked.” After the second time, expect questions.
2. Do practice patience.
Example: When stopped at a stop sign or in a highway median, wait as long as necessary to find an opening to blend onto a busy street. When judging distance and speed in an automobile, there is only one substitute for experience: patience. Meanwhile, getting hit by a Volvo going 70 miles per hour trying to get to your destination 30 seconds earlier has zero upside.
Example two: While it might seen reasonable to tap on your horn when a car in front of you fails to respond instantly to a green light, just wait it out. You never know how the other driver will react. Road rage is real, unpredictable and possibly deadly.
3. Don’t thump your woofers.
Most young males have a nearly uncontrollable desire to share their music with a one-block radius. Nothing makes old people angrier than having some young punk rattle the windows of their house with a car stereo when they are trying to watch Tucker Carlson.
4. Do spend any money you have for car maintenance in this order: brakes and tires before anything else.
You might be dreaming of lift kits and shiny new rims, but both are useless if your truck is stuck in a ravine off the side of the mountain because of bad brakes and/or tires.
And when judging tire tread, forget the “can you see the top of Lincoln’s head on a penny” trick. Get a real tread gauge, and start thinking about replacing your tires when the rubber gets under 4 millimeters thick.
5. Don’t volunteer to drive a bunch of friends.
A boy driver’s IQ is halved every time another kid gets in the car. Also, when driving, never utter the phrase: “Watch this!”
6. Do volunteer to drive friends home who have been drinking alcohol.
No parent will ever be mad at you for delivering their child home safely. In fact, they will hug you for it.
7. Don’t pass on a two-lane highway, unless you are carrying a pregnant woman or a child with a grave injury.
Even if the coast looks clear, wait until you’ve been driving a few years to execute the maneuver. I’ve seen cars pass going the W Road when the chance of a head-on collision was roughly one in 10. If that sounds like Russian roulette, it is. And the car coming up the mountain didn’t sign up to play.
8. Do say a prayer every time you get in a car, and pray for anyone you love any time they take a car trip.
You’ll just have to trust me on this one until you have kids of your own.
Email Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com.