Helloooo, goodbyyyye
A man jumps from an airplane, and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As he’s plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air.
As they cross paths, one falling toward the earth and the other rising away from it, the skydiver yells, “Excuse me! You wouldn’t happen to know anything about parachutes would you?”
“Sorry, I don’t,” the other man yells back. “Would you know anything about lighting a gas grill?”
Hot air
A preacher installed some of those hot-air hand dryers in the restrooms at his church, then removed them after only a few days.
“I thought they were working fine,” his wife said when he arrived back at the parsonage with them.
“They were,” he confessed. “But the other day when I went in, there was a sign that read, ‘For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.’ “
Psychiatric hot line
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press “1” repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press “2.”
If you have multiple personalities, please press “3,” “4,” “5” and “6.”
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Shark bait
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me, son,” said the father shark, and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing,” the father shark said.
And they did.
“Well done, son. Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why did we keep swimming around them. Why didn’t we just eat them all at first?”
His father said, “Because they taste so much better without all that crap inside.”
Why is that?
* Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
* At the end of every party, there is always a girl crying.
* One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger’s.
* Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
* Nobody ever dares make cup-of-soup in a bowl.
* You never know where to look when eating a banana.
* Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
* Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
* The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
* There’s no panic like the panic you feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
* No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
* The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
* People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.
* Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
He’s persuasive
Struggling to make ends meet, a pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
“How could you do this,” he demanded. “You know money’s tight.”
“I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window,” she explained, “and then suddenly I found myself trying it on. It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, ‘You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it.’ “
“You know how I deal with that kind of temptation,” he said. “I say, ‘Get behind me, Satan.’ “
“I did,” she replied. “But then he said, “It looks fabulous from back here too.’ “
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Some of today’s jokes are from www.my-pas tor.com.