Late-Night Laughs
Around the White House* President Trump today hosted the prime minister of Thailand at the White House. When asked “Where’s Thailand?” Trump said, “Usually about 4 inches below my belt.” — Seth Meyers* Today Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow, to survey the damage done by the president. — Jimmy FallonBut Trump had a nice visit to Puerto Rico. He said it gave all the First Responders a chance to meet with the Last Responder. Trump told Puerto Rico that the recovery effort really threw his budget “out of whack.” Puerto Rico said, “Well next time there’s a hurricane, we’ll just push the island out of the way, so it won’t get in the way of your budget.” — Jimmy Fallon* President Trump was in Puerto Rico today to survey the hurricane damage. Trump looked around then told the locals, “If I were you, I’d go stay at your second homes.” — Conan O’Brien* Trump even took time to meet with victims of the hurricane. Although, he could use some help with the small talk: [clip of Trump] “We’re going to help you out. Have a good time.” Have a good time? You’re at a disaster site, not working the floor at your casino! “You havin’ fun here? Listen, I’m gonna comp you a half a gallon of drinking water. Enjoy your hurricane. Don’t forget to tip your FEMA worker.” — Stephen Colbert* It just came out that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called President Trump a “moron” and threatened to quit. You can tell the situation’s a mess, cuz Trump started throwing paper towels at it. — Jimmy Fallon* It turns out Mike Pence gave Rex Tillerson a “pep talk” to get him to stay on as secretary of State. Cuz nothing screams “pep” like a talk from Mike Pence. — Jimmy Fallon* But after it came out that Tillerson called Trump a “moron,” Tillerson held a press conference and called the president “smart.” Then he said, “Do you think the moron bought it?” — Jimmy Fallon* Following yesterday’s story that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Trump a moron, this morning Donald Trump went on a Twitter rant, saying, “This is fake news put out by NBC. Low news and reporting standards.” Now, he may be right about NBC having low standards. They did air 14 seasons of “The Apprentice.” — James CordenSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonConsider this
Deep thoughts from a cynical philosopher:
* I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
* I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
* Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
* America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
* My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
* I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
* Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye.
* You’re not overweight. You’re just easier to see.
* If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
* I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
* I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named Sag Harbor.
* My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
* My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
* Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life is sad.
* The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
* The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
* I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
* Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
* The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
* Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. “Wow! What a catch – nobody move! Oh, now we’re watching Lifetime.” – Jimmy Fallon
* To raise money for Puerto Rico, celebrities have been posting pictures online of themselves from puberty. However, after one look at mine, Puerto Rico said, “Haven’t we been through enough?” – Conan O’Brien
* Scientists have figured out how to generate electricity from tears. In fact, they say that soon, 10 percent of our renewable energy will come from people watching “This Is Us.” – Conan O’Brien
* There’s talk of including video gamers in future Olympics. Olympic gamers would be treated like all other athletes, except they’d be tested for “performance-enhancing ramen.” – Conan O’Brien
* There’s a rumor that the Lakers are trying to sign LeBron James. They’re telling him, “The weather in L.A. is great, plus as a Laker, you get the entire playoff season off.” – Conan O’Brien
* This is a real product: Spanx arm tights. You might be familiar with their other name, which is sleeves. Spanx is always coming out with new and exciting body parts for women to feel ashamed of. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Former boxing champion George Foreman has challenged former action star Steven Seagal to fight him in the ring. And the winner will be our next president. – Conan O’Brien
* In France, someone has installed the first ever “Raw Oyster Vending Machine.” It’s being called innovative by seafood lovers and the best idea ever by bacteria. – Conan O’Brien
* O.J. Simpson said that during the nine years he’s been in prison, he hasn’t really changed at all. Then his parole officer said, “Ohhhkay – I guess you’re going back to prison.” – Jimmy Fallon
* Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it’s a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone’s making fun of you. – Jimmy Fallon
* A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret. – Jimmy Fallon
* According to reports, Netflix is raising its prices next month. Wow, that is gonna be quite a burden on whoever’s password I’m using. – Seth Meyers
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.