Case closed
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
Name game
Q: What did the lawyer name his twins?
A: Courtney and Casey.
Q: What do you call a man with a spade?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a man without a spade?
A: Douglas.
Q: What do you call a man under a car?
A: Jack.
Lisa DentonQ: What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell.
Q: What do you call a woman on a tennis court?
A: Annette.
Q: What do you call a man stuck in a bog?
A: Pete.
Q: What do you call a man in a pot of vegetables?
A: Stew.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe.
Q: What do you call a Mexican Jedi?
A: Obi-Juan Kenobi.
Temp times
Which is faster: hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Things to know
Did you hear …
» About the band called Duvet?
It’s a cover band.
» That the lead singer is standing at the door?
He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
» About the concert that costs 45 cents?
It’s 50 Cent with Nickelback.
» That prisoners can now take their own mug shots?
They’re called cellfies.
» About the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
» The Italian chef?
He pasta way.
» The man who stole 10 bars of soap from a supermarket?
He made a clean getaway.
» That the price of duck feathers has risen?
So now even down is up.
» That you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.
» The rumor going around about butter?
Never mind. I shouldn’t spread it.
Take a message
Mr. Blevins was always trying to find ways to impress his boss, Mr. Jackson. One day after work, Mr. Blevins needed to get a message to Mr. Jackson. He called the office, but Mr. Jackson has already gone home for the day. This was a very important message, so Mr. Blevins called his assistant to track down Mr. Jackson’s home phone number.
He dialed the number and let it ring three times. On the fourth ring, a person picked up the other line.
“Hello?” said the voice on the other end.
“Hello, this is Mr. Blevins. I’m looking to speak to Mr. Jackson.”
“I’m sorry, my daddy isn’t home right now,” said the little boy’s voice on the other end of the phone.
“Well, that’s OK. I’ll just leave a message.”
So Mr. Blevins launched into all the reasons for the call – the meeting the next day, the product demonstration they needed to be ready for, the consultants who needed to be picked up at different airports.
Finally, he paused and asked, “Did you get all that?”
“What was your name again?” said the voice on the other end.
“I’m Mr. Blevins,” he replied.
“How do you spell that?” asked the child.
“B-L-E-V-I-N-S.”
“And how do you make a B?”
Current events
From www.newmax.com:
» The midterm campaigns are heating up. Arizona Republican Congressman Paul Gosar is having some problems with his campaign after an ad aired featuring six people endorsing his opponent. And those six people are all Paul Gosar’s brothers and sisters. And you thought YOUR Thanksgiving dinner was going to be awkward this year. “Can you pass the sweet potatoes?” “No. Can you pass health care for everybody?” – James Corden
» According to reports, rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So if you like Cardi B and you also like Maroon 5, you’re trying way too hard to connect with your kids. – Seth Meyers
» I’m a big fan of scientific advances in the field of medicine. Scientists announced they just developed a robotic caterpillar that can crawl inside you for medical procedures. And for an extra $50, for nonmedical procedures. – Conan O’Brien
» Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to come to life. It’s being hailed as a “breakthrough” for people who like to scare small children. – Conan O’Brien
» I saw that Gucci debuted a pair of leather underwear for men. Leather underwear. The designers were like, “How can we make a humid day a thousand times worse?” – Jimmy Fallon
» Police in British Columbia responded to an unusual emergency recently. A man called 911 reporting that he had been robbed. When asked what had been taken, he said that the thieves had stolen all of his marijuana and cocaine. He told the cops, “The joke’s on them, they didn’t find my crystal meth.” – James Corden
» Canadians are now eligible to compete on “Survivor.” Which will be great until they all politely vote themselves off. – Jimmy Fallon
» Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you’re in coach, they just duct-tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead. – Jimmy Fallon
» A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And the makers of hand dryers said, “But don’t forget, we also don’t dry your hands.” – Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late-Night Laughs: Political Buzz
› Ben & Jerry’s just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. … In the interest of fairness and equal time, Ben & Jerry’s is also coming out with flavors for some conservative politicians. Here’s the one they made for House Speaker Paul Ryan: Vanilla. And Sen. Mitch McConnell: They went with Vanilla. And Vice President Mike Pence got Blinding White Vanilla — now with extra vanilla. — James Corden› The Secret Service this week unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009. It is filled with a wide range of medical supplies, including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type, which I assume is “chunky-style.” — Seth Meyers› President Trump has a brand new technologically upgraded presidential limousine. It’s supposed to be very fancy. And the latest with all the technology. For Trump’s protection, the limo comes with bulletproof windows and no Twitter. — Conan O’Brien› Trump just got a new $1.5 million limo. It fires tear gas, has night vision and can lay down an oil slick to make anyone chasing it spin out of control. Even crazier, Melania’s bedroom door does the exact same thing. — Jimmy Fallon› The Secret Service’s new presidential limo cost $1.5 million and reportedly includes features such as the ability to electrify door handles to shock anyone trying to get inside. “What if you’re trying to get out?” asked one woman [photo of Melania Trump]. — Seth Meyers› I read that Joe Biden will decide whether he’s running for president in 2020 by this January. He’s gonna take a coin and say, “Heads, I run. Tails, I flip again until I get heads.” — Jimmy Fallon› Republican officials are worried that Ted Cruz will lose his re-election campaign because he’s not likable enough — especially compared to his opponent, Beto O’Rourke. And they might be right about his likability. Look at the way both candidates answer some basic questions. When asked, “What do you like to do in your spare time?” O’Rourke said, “Play guitar.” Ted Cruz said, “Organize my documents.” — Jimmy Fallon› When asked, “What is your plan if you don’t win the election?” O’Rourke said, “Spend time with my family and keep fighting for what’s right.” Ted Cruz said, “Organize my documents.” — Jimmy FallonSource: www.newsmax.com