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For 30 years, Floyd and Deborah Richardson have been house parents at Bethel Bible Village, a Christian group home off Hamill Road for children and teens in crisis.
It’s serious, demanding work, but the Richardsons manage to leaven their jobs with humor. They tease one another and laugh like newlyweds.
Over the decades they have helped more than 200 children, modeling to the kids what it’s like to have “parents” who probe but don’t poke, soothe but don’t smother, giggle but don’t goad.
“In an industry where house parents often burn out in two to five years, they are amazing,” says Kathy Casey, director of digital marketing at Bethel.
To discover their secrets for helping teenagers, we sat down with the Richardsons.
Their practical solutions to teen angst and misbehavior are built on experience and common sense. Here are excerpts from the interview (edited for clarity and brevity):
What do you do when teenagers shut down and won’t tell you what is bothering them?
Deborah: The key is to know your child. Know their mood swings. How were they when they got up that morning? Are there any major events going on, like loss of a best friend?
We may be ready for them to talk, but they’re not ready. Respect that they need time. We say, “We are here when you are ready. I am not trying to invade your space. I’m not here to judge, fix or change you. I’m just listening.”
Floyd: Guys want to handle things themselves. They might say, “I have a friend who’s going through something,” and you know it’s really them.
If I know a kid is dealing with some issues, I might say, “We are going out on the [basketball] court, you are going with us.” If they are out on the court throwing the ball around, they are usually talking. Talking about issues, girls, family. They have to be comfortable in [an activity] to do that.
How do you calm a distressed child?
Floyd: You have to remain calm yourself. Don’t raise your voice. If a kid has escalated the situation, he will know it and will eventually come back down to where you are.
Some kids love to yell and scream and be agitated. Keeping things up in the air keeps them concealed. In our house we try to keep it quiet. The volume is down on the TV to about [level] 3.
Deborah: Many of them just need their space. They’ll say, “Don’t bother me. Don’t talk to me.”
Some of them need to burn off steam and get it all out of their system. We tell them, “When you come inside these walls [of the cottage], all the tension stays outside.”
Do teens want parents who provide structure and boundaries in their lives?
Deborah: Yes, they do, but they don’t want you to know it. When they are talking among themselves, many of them will say things like, “My mamma was so strict.” But you’ll hear another one come back and say: “Yes, but at least she cares.”
All kids need to know who is in charge. They flail around when nobody is in charge.
Floyd: Kids will ask: “What are we doing next?” It’s good for them to be able to relax and know someone is in charge, and someone is going to take care of the schedule.
Do too many parents try to be friends with their teenagers?
Deborah: Thank you, I was wondering when we would get to that. Most children have lots of friends. They don’t need more friends, they need parents, people who are not trying to win brownie points. They need someone to make hard decisions. They need someone to say: “The buck stops here with me.”
I hear them call older adults by their first names. If I can call you by your first name, that puts me on your level. We teach them so say “Miss or Mr. So-and-So.”
What are some warning signs of a child who is getting into a danger zone emotionally?
Deborah: You just have to watch. If you have a child that is outgoing and talkative, maybe they don’t talk any more or seclude themselves. Their countenance changes. It’s like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. I’ve had one to cry uncontrollably. Others are upbeat and cheery, but they are over the top.
Floyd: We have had kids that are very active in sports. They’ve done it all their lives. But all of a sudden they are not interested. If that happens, there’s something going on.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfree press.com or 423-757-6645.