My wife and I often get asked a common question: “What do you wish you’d known before you got married?”
Our marriage isn’t perfect by any means. We’ve had our ups and downs. But according to recent statistics, the average length of marriage in the U.S. is just over eight years. So it makes sense to ask questions of a couple who’s been married longer than that.
Most couples anticipate having a long, happy marriage. And they should! But if you’ve been married any amount of time, you probably recognize it’s not always smooth sailing. Your marriage is going to get rocked by waves. Sure, there will be times when the sun is shining and the seas are calm. Just know there will be storms. But you can navigate the storms and make it through.
In his book “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married,” author Gary Chapman says, “No one gets married hoping to be miserable or to make their spouse miserable, yet the highest percentage of divorce occurs within the first seven years of marriage.”
Chapman’s book provides a marriage blueprint. He lays out 12 potential areas of stress for married couples. Here are six of the areas he addresses:
– Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage. The “honeymoon phase” of marriage typically lasts for up to two years. This phase usually is idealistic and romantic. Don’t get me wrong – this stage is fantastic. It just needs to be treated realistically. This is a time to learn and adjust to each other. Differences will become apparent, but that’s OK. A healthy marriage requires commitment, trust and communication. You need more than just that loving feeling.
– Romantic love has two stages. Chapman describes the first stage of love as a time when couples expend lots of energy doing things for each other, but they don’t consider it work. The second stage of love is more intentional. It requires work to keep emotional love alive.
– The saying, “like mother, like daughter” and “like father, like son” is not a myth. Chapman doesn’t suggest that your spouse will become their mother or father. But parents do greatly influence who we become. You will see some traits of your spouse’s parents in them. Be aware of this.
– Disagreements can be solved without arguing. Conflict is a normal part of marriage. When two people spend lots of time together and grow closer, they won’t agree on everything. That’s OK. Not every conflict has to end in an argument. You can handle disagreements through healthy conversation and compromise.
– Apologizing is a sign of strength. Apologizing isn’t always easy. Some even see apologizing as a sign of weakness. It takes a strong person to say, “I was wrong; please forgive me.”
– Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic. Many newlywed couples don’t anticipate this being an issue. Chapman shares that while men focus on sex, women focus on relationship. We’re all built differently and have different sexual drives. Those drives change with varying stages of marriage as well. So what do you do when you feel like sexual fulfillment is lacking? Communicate, communicate, communicate!
Couples who have been married for a long time talk about these issues and more. Marriage takes open, honest communication and flexibility from both people. It won’t always be smooth sailing, but you can navigate the storms together and enjoy those smooth seas. There is beauty in every phase of a relationship.
Mitchell Qualls is vice president of operations at family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email him at mitchell@firstthings.org.
Mitchell Qualls