DAVE LETTERMAN’S TOP 10
Top 10 questions to ask yourself before spending $2 million on a painting of a naked Bea Arthur:10. “Should I discuss this with my therapist?”9. “Can it possibly live up to how I imagined her naked?”8. “What”s the catch?”7. “Is this auction clothing optional?”6. “Is this what people mean when they say, ‘Dude, you”re into weird stuff”?”5. “How many more images of a naked Bea Arthur do I need?”4. “Why has no one snatched this up already?”3. “Will it go with my bronze statue of Shelley Winters?”2. “Can I have it delivered in time for Father”s Day?”1. “How much for just the frame?”
Furniture disease
Max went into the doctor’s office for his annual checkup, and the doctor asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. So Max told the doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn’t fit when he put on for a recent wedding.
The doctor said, “Suits don’t shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds.”
“That’s just it, Doc. I know I haven’t gained a single pound since the last time I wore it.”
“Well, then,” said Doc, “you must have a case of furniture disease.”