Late Night Laughs
Current Events› A man in Florida is in jail after he was spotted riding a manatee and dared cops to arrest him. Maybe it’s just me, but if you dare cops to arrest you, try to be on a faster animal than a manatee. — Jimmy Fallon› According to a new report, the Zika virus may be able to spread through sweat and tears, which means one way or another come Nov. 8, we’re all getting Zika. — Seth Meyers› Lady Gaga told People magazine that her new album was influenced by the men in her life. Taylor Swift was like, “Hey! Stay in your lane, pal.” — Jimmy Fallon› Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pair of socks meant to be worn with sandals from 2,000 years ago. Scholars say it’s evidence of the first German tourist. — Conan O’Brien› He’s going to be OK, but a Montana man was attacked by a bear twice in the same day. Afterward, the man said, “That’s it, no more Tinder for me.” — Conan O’Brien› Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide. — Conan O’Brien› The New York Times revealed today that [Democratic vice presidential nominee] Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands. — Seth MeyersSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonIn case you missed it…
Here, in brief, is how the second presidential debate went down, based on memes compiled at politicalhumor.about.com.
Sunday’s face-off between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump happened in the same news cycle as the release of a 2005 video of Trump making vulgar remarks about women and a WikiLeaks release of emails revealing excerpts of Clinton’s paid speeches to Wall Street. She tried to base that public/private difference in policy on an Abraham Lincoln approach.
As usual, though, it was Trump who commanded the most attention.
Unlike the first debate, there was no initial handshake.
* Ben Schwartz @rejectedjokes: She couldn’t shake his hand because she couldn’t find it.
* Michelle Beadle @MichelleDBeadle: After hearing what he does with his hand, I wouldn’t shake it either.
Trump’s crude remarks came up early with moderators Anderson Trump and Martha Raddatz.
* From a Twitter screen shot: Moderator: Did you sexually assault women? Trump: I will defeat ISIS.
ISIS, actually, was often Trump’s go-to answer.
* Nathan Zed @NathanZed: Do you know what consent is? Trump: ISIS? Yes, I know what ISIS is. No I said cons- Trump: I will knock the hell out of ISIS.
* Jonny Sun @jonnysun: Anderson Cooper: Do you pay taxes. Trump: No! Cooper: So you don’t. Trump: Of course I do. Cooper: What? Trump: Bernie Sanders. Cooper: Wait, what? Trump: ISIS.
Ultimately Trump dismissed the lewd remarks as “locker room talk” that paled in comparison to former President Bill Clinton’s infidelities.
Some online observers weren’t having it.
* Retta @unfoRettable: “I’m a gentleman.” Quote. Of. The. Night.
* Richard Hine @richardhine: Trump: Don’t judge me on the man I was 10 years ago. But please judge Hillary on the man her husband was 20 years ago.
* From Occupy Democrats: Trump: Tonight I’m going to prove that I’m not a sexist pig by blaming Hillary for her husband’s cheating.
Several times, Trump took issue with the moderators’ attempts to keep him on topic or to not interrupt.
* John Fugelsang @JohnFugelsang: Trump’s worst nightmare. 2 women and a gay man telling him not to talk.
* From Occupy Democrats: Trump: Hey moderator, I’m gonna answer your question but first I’m gonna go on a long rant about a totally different topic.
The subject of Trump not paying federal taxes also came up again, which he blamed on Clinton’s lackluster achievements as a policymaker.
* J.K. Rowling @jk_rowling: It’s your fault I didn’t pay taxes, Hillary. Women let you do anything when you’re a star.
* From Stories That Resonate: Q: Donald Trump: Why didn’t Hillary rewrite the tax code as Senator? A: All bills that raise revenue MUST originate in the House of Representatives. Lesson: Learn the Constitution.
* Billy Eichner @billyeichner: Someone please explain to Donald Trump how the Senate works and how the government works and how vaginas work and also Russia.
And as it was in the first debate, Trump’s sniffling was a distraction.
* Top Conservative Cat @TeaPartyCat: I hope Trumpcare includes treatment for compulsive sniffling.
And there was some surprise that Trump wasn’t on the same page as his running mate on Syrian policy.
* Jerry Springer @jerryspringer: While I may not be able to moderate a debate, sounds like Mike Pence and Donald Trump might need to come on my show to talk things out.
Many were concerned about Trump’s glaring, looming presence behind Clinton.
* Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff: This looks like a poster for a 1970s horror movie.
* Heather & Jessica @fuggirls: Hillary turn around. There’s something behind you, girl. TURN AROUND.
* Moustafa Bayoumi @BayoumiMoustafa: I’m a Muslim, and I would like to report a crazy man threatening a woman on a stage in Missouri.
* W. Kamau Bell @wkamaubell: Pro tip: @realDonaldTrump if you don’t want to look like a creep to women don’t literally creep up behind them while they’re talking.
* Kaili Joy Gray @KailiJoy: Serious question: At what point does Hillary’s Secret Service detail step in to make Trump back away from her?
* The Daily Show @TheDailyShow: Make America Lurk Again.
At the end, one questioner asked the candidates to say something nice about the other. Clinton praised Trump’s children. Trump credited Clinton’s staying power, though some observers found that contradictory to earlier statements.
* Trump Talk meme: First debate: She doesn’t have the stamina. Second debate: She never quits, never gives up.
To sum up, we’ll go with this.
* Pete Blackburn @PeteBlackburn: I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.
Animal riddles
Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don’t know, but I wouldn’t want to milk it.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagles.
Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.
Q: What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill.
Q: How does the rancher count his cattle?
A: With a cowculator.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.