Percolate on this
Signs you drink too much coffee:
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You ski uphill.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people’s fingernails.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* You think instant coffee takes too long.
* You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can thread a sewing machine while it’s running.
Cheapskate
After being away on business, Ed thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
“That’s a bit much,” said Ed, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Ed complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny, $15 bottle.
“What I mean,” said Ed, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Mad Martin
(Credited to Gene Spafford at aplusjokes.com.)
Once upon a time, a guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. So Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory.
Fred soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn’t skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: “If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of redeye whiskey on the counter and head out of town as fast as you can.”
Fred was pretty perplexed at this and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and came to town only once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they’d ever heard of, and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
One day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, “Martin’s coming! Head for the hills!”
The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn’t believe he could be all that tough. So Fred just put the bottle of redeye on the bar, hid behind the counter and waited.
Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred peered out a hole in the wall, he saw a huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, “Wait here till I get back!”
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, “You pussycats stay here till I’m done!” The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of redeye, bit off the neck and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper.
The guy looked down over the bar and roared, “What in blue blazes do you think you’re looking at!?”
Fred managed to say, “N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of redeye?”
To which the fellow replied, “No! There’s no time for another. I gotta get out of here. Mad Martin’s coming!”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.