Headlines from Trump’s visit
Satirical website Chattanooga Bystander (www.chattanoogabystander.com) offered the following news you might have missed in Sunday’s visit by President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence.› Trump vows to only use presidential alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club› Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua (District 30 House candidate Joda Thongnopnua)› Mike Pence ponders move to Chattanooga area after learning of two Golden Corral locations› Trump visits Rock City, claims to see nine states
The dotted line
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Capt. Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success rate, selling insurance to nearly 100 percent of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.
“Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
Chain of command
During training exercises, a lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud. A red-faced colonel was behind the wheel.
“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”
Chop it first
The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force went down South to personally recruit some pilots.
The first young men he saw were twins.
He looked at the first young man and asked: “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looks at him and says: “I’m a pilot!”
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in today, all the paperwork done, everything, do it!”
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, “What skills do you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man says, “I chop wood!”
“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me. We don’t need wood choppers. This is the 21st century!”
“Well, you hired my brother!”the young man says.
“Of course we did,” says the general. “He’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says, “I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
The great war
A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in World War I. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform headquarters.
“NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!” he says.
“NaCl over NaOH?” shouts his officer. “What do you mean?”
Lisa Denton“It means the base is under a salt!” came the reply.
Well done
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”
The winner
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said, “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”
When 24 men raised their hands, the sergeant asked the other man, “Why didn’t you raise your hand?”
The man replied, “Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge.”
Military riddles
Q: Did you hear about the accident at the Army base?
A: A tank ran over a box of popcorn and flattened two kernels.
Q: What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A: A seasoned veteran.
Q: What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet?
A: The jet stops whining when the engines are shut off.
Q: What’s the difference between the Army and the Boy Scouts?
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Q: How many officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting at a cost of $8.3 million.
Q: What branch of the military do babies join?
A: The infantry.
Q: What don’t you say to a Marine?
A: I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to the join the Marine Corps.
Q: Where do generals keep their armies?
A: In their sleevies.
In-fighting
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the soldier. “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s shoe and spat in it. When the soldier returned with the Coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the soldier obligingly went to fetch it and, while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The soldier returned with a drink for the second Marine, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
Who’s who
As the squad stood in formation at the Naval Air Station, the flight instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one airman remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with the airman and then just raised a single eyebrow.
The airman smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.