Punchlines

Star turn

A married couple were having a very hypothetical discussion about which stars would play them if, in the unlikely event, Hollywood ever made a movie based on their lives.

“Who would you pick to portray you?” the wife asked the husband.

He thought about it a minute, then answered, “George Clooney.”

“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”

Chug-chug

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete stop. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.

“Cow on the track,” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

Again the passenger sees the conductor walking by. She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up to the cow again?”

Tunnel vision

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look, lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

Riddles

Q: What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

A: Udder destruction.

Q: Have you heard the rumor going around about butter.

A: Never mind. You shouldn’t spread it.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A: A roamin’ Catholic.

Q: What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

A: Cashew!

Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

A: Because they lactose.

Q: Wanna go on a picnic?

A: Alpaca lunch.

Q: What did the cowboy say at the German auto show?

A: Audi.

Q: What did the hamburger name its baby?

A: Patty.

Q: What happens when dinosaurs drive cars?

A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Q: What happens when you illegally park a frog?

A: You get toad away.

Q: What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo.

A: One is quite heavy. The other is a little lighter.

Q: What do you call a guy who never passes gas in public.

A: A private tutor.

Thoughts to ponder

» Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

» My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

» My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

» Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

» What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter. It’s not going to come.

» I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

» I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

» I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

» Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

» It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.

» I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in 20 seconds. It’s only three words, but it’s a start.

» Burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature.

» When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation. Almost died in “Finding Nemo.”

» My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav.

Current events

» In Wisconsin, a child’s trick-or-treat bag was found to contain meth. On the plus side, the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes.

» A Japanese company created a $150 noise-canceling ramen fork to cover up slurping noises. So, if you’ve got 150 bucks to spend on a fork – why are you eating ramen? – Jimmy Fallon

» In an interview, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek revealed that he once tripped hard on hash brownies. Apparently, Trebek spent hours saying “What is ‘my hand’ for 800?” – Conan O’Brien

» Amazon has unveiled a new way to view its products in 3-D. Amazon is calling its new invention “a store.” – Conan O’Brien

» Amazon is testing a new service that allows couriers to unlock homes and leave packages inside. Learn more about the new service on a future episode of “Dateline.” – Seth Meyers

» It just came out that Lady Gaga got engaged over the summer! The wedding will be pretty low key – just 50 or 60 costume changes. – Jimmy Fallon

» Finally, I saw that Starbucks just unveiled its holiday cups, which had illustrations that customers can color in themselves. It’s perfect for people who are too busy to make their own coffee at home, yet still have enough time to color in a coffee cup. – Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.