Late Night Laughs
Around the White House› A big story right now is this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say that Trump’s becoming unhinged and that he recently shouted, “I hate everyone in the White House!” But later, he clarified his remarks, saying, “Except for me. I still like me a lot.” — Jimmy Fallon› Following the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, President Trump tweeted this morning that the White House cannot keep FEMA, the military and first responders in Puerto Rico forever. Forever? It’s been three weeks! That’s like saying you worked with Scaramucci forever. — Seth Meyers› We could be reaching a whole new level of angry Trump because a report out today says people close to the president say he is “unstable,” “losing a step” and “unraveling.” So keep in mind that means, up till now, he’s been “raveled.” — Stephen Colbert› Trump has an interesting way of answering questions about John Kelly whenever they ask what he thinks of him: “He’s a general.” That’s like being asked what you think of your steak and you say, “It was a cow.” — Jimmy Kimmel› Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was in the middle of tense negotiations about North Korea and their nuclear program, when Trump tweeted that Tillerson was “wasting his time trying to negotiate with little rocket man.” Everybody knows there is no better way to defuse a tense nuclear standoff than with insult humor. — Stephen Colbert› Who can forget during the Cuban Missile Crisis when Kennedy tweeted, “Cueball @Khrushchev and Lil’ Beardy don’t have the [guts]. I double-dog dare you to push the button.” — Stephen Colbert› Today in an interview with Forbes, Trump defended his actions towards Tillerson, saying, “He was wasting his time. I’m not undermining. I think I’m actually strengthening authority.” Yes, I’m not burning your house down. I’m lowering your heating bills. — Stephen Colbert› President Trump is back to golfing, and he played with Lindsey Graham yesterday and said it was “wet and windy.” But luckily, some people from Puerto Rico came and threw their paper towels at him. — Jimmy Fallon› This morning, President Trump went on a Twitter rant about “fake news” and threatened to revoke NBC’s broadcast license. Americans are like, “Hey! You can threaten our democracy, but you do NOT mess with ‘This Is Us.’” — Jimmy Fallon› Last night the rapper Eminem attacked President Trump in a freestyle rap video that aired at the BET Awards. The title of Eminem’s rap is “The Storm,” so naturally Donald Trump reacted by throwing rolls of paper towels at it. — James Corden› Eminem’s lyrics were politically charged. He defended the NFL players who have been kneeling during the national anthem, and later Donald Trump responded with his own rap that went, “Will the NFL players please stand up, please stand up, please stand up.” — James CordenSource: www.newsmax.com
Different routes
The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty.
“Do you know where little boys go if they don’t put their money in the collection plate?” the teacher asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” a boy blurted out. “They go to the movies.”
Money talks
A local nonprofit realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful businessman. The person in charge of contributions called the businessman to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” the nonprofit’s representative asked.
The businessman mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, “Um, no.”
The businessman continued, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
Lisa DentonThe stricken rep began to stammer out an apology.
The businessman interrupted her apology, saying, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” his voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea … “
The businessman cut her off once again. “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, why should I give any money to you?”
Bulls and heifers
A husband and wife went to the county agricultural show, and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen, where there was a sign that read: This Bull Mated 50 Times Last Year.
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs. “Fifty times,” she said. “That’s almost once a week.”
They walked to the second pen, where a sign read: This Bull Mated 150 Times Last Year.
The woman gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “Wow! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”
At the third pen, there was a sign that read: This Bull Mated 365 Times Last Year.
The woman got so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs. “That’s once a day,” she prodded. “You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
* Taylor Swift announced she is launching a new app called “The Swift Life” that will feature “Taymojis,” which are emojis that look like her. And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised. – Seth Meyers
* A new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds if you have to ask – it ain’t you. – Jimmy Fallon
* I read that Kim Jong Un wants to make the site of his missile launches a tourist destination for families. But for kids to go on the rides, they must be taller than Kim Jong Un. – Jimmy Fallon
* Amazon just announced that teens can now shop on their parents’ accounts, but the order will only go through if Mom and Dad approve it. Or if they click the button that says, “Mom and Dad approve it.” – Jimmy Fallon
* Amazon is also working with a company to deliver items to the trunk of your car. The company has an interesting name – “The Mafia.” – Jimmy Fallon
* Do you remember AOL instant messenger? It was like the precursor to modern-day texting. Last week AOL announced it will be shutting down AIM in December. I know. I know. This is devastating news for three of you. – James Corden
* Also over the weekend, some shocking news out of Hollywood: After new allegations emerge that he had engaged in decades of sexual harassment, Harvey Weinstein was fired from his firm the Weinstein Company for violating the company’s very strict 27 strikes and you’re out rule. – James Corden
* Hurricane Harvey was like, “Dude, you’re giving me a bad name.” – James Corden
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.