Punchlines

Quickies

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Q: Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

A: There was nothing left but de Brie.

Q: Did you hear about the lion that ate his friends?

A: He had to swallow his pride.

Q: What do you call someone with no body or nose?

A: Nobody nose.

Q: What do you call a carnivorous weather forecaster?

A: A meat-eater-ologist.

Q: Why did the old man fall in the well?

A: Because he couldn’t see that well.

Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

A: He pasta way.

Q: What did one hat say to the other?

A: You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

Out of reasons

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer. I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“OK, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“All right, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

Something’s not right

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He says, “What the heck is going on here?”

She turns and says: “See, I told you he was dumb!”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

» The NFL’s Arizona Cardinals have launched a new competition where fans can win a team jersey and get their photo on the scoreboard if they eat a burger consisting of five patties, five hot dogs, five bratwursts, eight slices of bacon, eight chicken tenders, 12 ounces of fries, lettuce, pickles, sauce and 20 slices of cheese in under an hour. Said one fan, “Ugh, lettuce?” – Seth Meyers

» A beach near San Francisco yesterday hosted the annual world dog surfing championships. And just like last year, the surfers had a really hard time staying on their dogs. – Seth Meyers

» Nintendo fans are worried about Mario’s brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for a new game, he appears as a ghost. They said 30 years of jumping “groin first” into a flagpole must’ve finally caught up to him. – Jimmy Fallon

» SeaWorld is letting 125 employees go. Or as the animals put it, “Must be nice.” – Jimmy Fallon

» A man in Florida was recently arrested after running into a liquor store with an alligator and chasing people who were shopping there. I’m just going to say it: This emotional support animal thing has officially gone too far. – James Corden

» A liquor store and a live alligator. If only this man had been naked, we would’ve had a Florida trifecta. It was so close, so close! – James Corden

» In anticipation of a two-week highway shutdown, the Oregon Department of Transportation released a traffic-jam playlist. Or what we call here in Los Angeles, a playlist. The playlist is called “Gridlock Grooves.” If successful during the first week, they plan on releasing a new playlist called “Now That’s What I Call Road Rage.” – James Corden

» Apple is close to becoming the first U.S. company worth over $1 trillion. Then Americans looked at their drawers filled with old iPods, and said, “Yep. Seems about right.” – Jimmy Fallon

» The USDA has issued a health alert over premade salads and wraps sold at Walgreens due to concerns they may be contaminated with an intestinal parasite. So if you’re buying your meals at Walgreens, I have even more bad news. – Seth Meyers

» In a recent interview, the head of the Food and Drug Administration said they intend to cut down on the use of the term “milk” to describe dairy alternatives like almond milk. The definition of milk, they say, refers to “a lactating animal; an almond does not lactate.” Now, if an almond doesn’t lactate, then I’ve been eating almonds the wrong way. It’s going to be tough to get used to the change, but you know what they say, it’s no crying over spilled almond juice. – James Corden

» HBO recently announced that LeBron James will be hosting a new talk show set in a barbershop here in Los Angeles, and it’s called “The Shop.” Yeah, LeBron James is getting a talk show. Well, I guess this is war. I have no choice now but to start up a side gig and become the greatest basketball player in the world. – James Corden

» Apparently, LeBron’s talk show is going to be him and four random guests you may or may not have heard of. You know, like when he plays basketball. – James Corden

» Following years of complaints, the city of San Francisco has banned tour buses from stopping in front of the home from the TV show “Full House.” They won’t allow it. This is bad news for tourists. It is. Now you’ll have to find something more riveting to do on vacation than sitting in a van very slowly passing by a house. – James Corden

» Thanks to new tariffs from China and Mexico, there’s now 2.5 billion pounds of meat piled up. All of this surplus meat has led to a desperate new ad campaign: “Beef: It’s what’s for dinner. And breakfast and lunch. Also, you drink it now.”- Stephen Colbert

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.