Punchlines

Nest egg

An elderly couple had been married for more than 60 years. Throughout their marriage, they had shared everything, talked about everything, kept no secrets from each other … Except the woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

Then one day the old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the man took down the shoebox and carried it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you. I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Sillies for punsters

Q: What kind of computer sings?

A: A Dell

Q: Why don’t people wear a watch on their belt?

A: It would be a waist of time.

Q: What do you call a sharp-dressed alligator?

A: An investigator.

Priceless putdowns

An email correspondent remembers when insults had class, “glorious insults” from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words.

* A member of Parliament to conservative British prime minister Benjamin Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

* “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

* “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

* “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

* “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

* “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

* “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

* “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

* “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

* “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

* “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

* “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

* “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

* “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

* “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

* “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

* “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

* “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

* “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

* “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

* “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang

* “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

* If any of you call an Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. I’m just saying. That’s right, O.J. Simpson was officially granted parole today and could be out of jail by October. When asked what he plans to do first, he said, “Well, catch up on all the shows about O.J.” – Jimmy Fallon

* A lot of people didn’t know how to feel about the news. On one hand, O.J. is a convicted felon. On the other hand, he managed to keep Trump off TV for a whole afternoon. So it’s kind of a community service. – Jimmy Fallon

* He could be released by Oct. 1, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing With the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production. – Jimmy Kimmel

* A number of cable networks including ESPN broadcast the hearing live, which wasn’t a surprise. You know, O.J. Simpson has been on TV longer than Homer Simpson. So he’s a big draw.- Jimmy Kimmel

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.