This is said to be actual courtroom testimony, as collected at various websites.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
***
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
***
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
***
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
***
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
***
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
***
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: “What disco am I at?”
***
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
***
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
***
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar!
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
***
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
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Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
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Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
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Q: How long have you been a French-Canadian?
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Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
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Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
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Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
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Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently, then the date of conception was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
***
Q: So you were gone until you returned?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
***
Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
***
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
***
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.