Solemn occasion
A woman turned to her husband and said, “Next week is our 30th wedding anniversary. What do you think we ought to do?”
Her husband thought carefully before giving his answer. “Have a moment of silence?”
Bet on it
It’s career day in the fourth grade, and the teacher instructs her students to stand up, state a parent’s occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were there that day.
One youngster stands up and says, “My mother is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if she were here today, she would help you balance your checkbook.”
“Good,” says the teacher, then points to another boy. The youngster stands up and says, “My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T, no … L-E-C-K, no …”
The teacher interrupts. “Never mind, Johnny, you can sit down, think about it and give it another try later,” and she calls on another little fellow.
“My dad’s a bookie,” says the boy. “That’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you 10-to-1 odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell ‘electrician.’ “
Overly motivated
After hearing a speech on motivating employees, the owner of a large business posted signs that read “Do It Now” on the wall of every department at the office. It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.
A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.
“Well,” says the business owner, “not exactly the way I thought it would. The cashier ran off with $20,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary and the rest of the employees asked for raises.”
Earning power
A computer crashes in a lawyer’s office, so she calls a programmer.
The programmer arrives, unpacks his case, does mysterious things for a while and hands her a bill for $600.
“This is ridiculous. I don’t even make that much as a lawyer.”
“Neither did I when I was a lawyer,” says the programmer.
Texas style
An instructor at a girls school in the Southwest is giving her students what she calls a “charm course.”
“You give your escort the chance to be gallant,” she says. “For instance, you should remain seated in the pickup truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you.”
Then, returning to reality, she adds, “Of course, if the big oaf is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don’t wait any longer.”
Be less helpful
A man noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.
Trying to be courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her as she struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.
At the entrance, he said, “Here you go, Ma’am,” and gave her back the cart.
Catching her breath, she said, “Thank you, but I was using it to lean on.”
Special request
A man sitting at a lunch counter has just been served his food when he calls the waiter back.
“Waiter,” he says, “can you explain why there is a footprint in the middle of this food that I ordered?”
“Yes, sir,” replies the waiter. “You rushed in here, asked for a large omelet and told me to step on it.”
As instructed
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden wave of nausea. “Mom,” he warned, “I think I’m going to throw up!”
She told him, “I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. If you get sick there, nobody will see you.”
So Little Johnny took off for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom, a look of obvious relief on his young face. “Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?”
“I didn’t have to go that far, Mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it that said, ‘For the Sick.’ “