Dear Abby: History of addiction clouds dad’s future with daughters

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee has two daughters (14 and 11) from a previous marriage. Their dad, “Brett,” was just arrested for his fourth DUI, the second within a year. The girls don’t trust him anymore, and their image of him has changed greatly.

We have always encouraged the girls to stay with their dad on “his” days, but when they do, Brett rarely does anything with them, and he berates them. I know he misses his girls, and his siblings have told us the girls need to get past this because “tomorrow is not guaranteed.” I understand. I live my life on that premise. But if Brett isn’t willing to change, then why should we continue to encourage his being in their lives? He cares only about his image, not the actual relationship with his daughters.

He has a history with drugs and alcohol, and in the last 12 months, he has been fired from three different jobs. This is not the role model the girls need. I know I’m not their father, but it kills me seeing them hurt. Should we encourage them to still visit him? Or do we let them decide? I’m a soon-to-be stepfather who wants only what is best for the girls. – PARENTING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PARENTING: When there is a divorce with children involved, custody arrangements are usually dictated by the court. Your fiancee’s daughters may not have much choice but to visit their father on “his” days. That said, the custody arrangement can be altered if it becomes necessary.

I agree that someone with four DUIs is not a great role model, and he could be a danger to them if he is still allowed to drive. Encourage the girls to keep you informed of what transpires during their visits with their father. I disagree with the relatives who say they must get past their father’s neglect and verbal abuse.

DEAR ABBY: I have three sisters. We are all in our 50s and 60s. Three of us get along great, but we have all had issues with our oldest sister, “Lulu.”

When our father was terminally ill, she wanted one of us to live with him in his home. We thought it was enough that we were in the same town and went over there daily. Also, Lulu is a widow and not financially secure, and she feels we have not helped her enough.

I miss her regardless of the drama, but she seems to have written us off. Must I learn to accept this and move on? Or should I try to make it right? – DYSFUNCTIONAL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DYSFUNCTIONAL: You are not responsible for Lulu’s financial woes. Let her know you are there for her, but cannot support her financially. I’m sorry you didn’t mention whether she has a job. If she doesn’t, she needs to find one to supplement her income. Unless you are willing to cave to emotional blackmail and supplement your sister’s income for the rest of her life, accept that it may be time to move on.

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