Lisa DentonNot inconceivable
Leland Parrott says:
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
* During last night’s “Dancing With the Stars,” two protesters rushed the stage during Ryan Lochte’s performance. So finally, an assault on Ryan Lochte that really happened. – Conan O’Brien
* We’re not even sure what they were protesting, but one thing they did accomplish was making Ryan Lochte even more confused than he is normally. “Whoa, why are these guys so mad at dancing?” – James Corden
* I get that the protester wants to see him punished, but I don’t think this guy realizes, being on “Dancing With the Stars” IS his punishment. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Where were these guys when Paula Deen was on the show, when Tom DeLay was on the show, Warren Sapp, Floyd Mayweather, O.J.? O.J. wasn’t on “Dancing With the Stars?” Well, he will be, with good behavior. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Ryan Lochte himself was a little shaken up. They asked him how he was feeling. He said, “So many feelings are going through my head. No thoughts. But a lot of feelings.” – Jimmy Kimmel
* Chipotle is testing deliveries by drone. A spokesman for Chipotle said, “If our food is going to come flying out of you, it might as well fly into you.” – Conan O’Brien
* A 700-pound woman is trying to hit 1,000 pounds to reach her goal of becoming the World’s Fattest Woman. Although, she still plans to put “700 pounds” on her Tinder profile. – Conan O’Brien
* A new study came out and it claims that women would be better off going to bed two hours before men. The study was paid for by guys who want to watch porn. – Conan O’Brien
* Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Target and never look back. – Jimmy Fallon
* A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called “Sit With Us” – or as bullies call it, “Victim Finder.” – Seth Meyers
* The Duggars, of the TV show “19 Kids and Counting,” are adopting a 20th child. Not because they wanted one, but because it came free on their punch card. – Conan O’Brien
* A spokesman for the royal family says that Prince William and Kate Middleton’s upcoming family trip to Canada will be a “largely casual” and “highly outdoors” event. Then normal people said, “So camping. You’re going camping.” – Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs
Keeping Up With the Candidates› Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable. — Jimmy Fallon› Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone’s surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she’s sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK. — Jimmy Fallon› Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she’s been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, “Man, I wish.” — Conan O’Brien› Bill Clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about Hillary Clinton’s health and said that she’s almost certainly in better health than her opponent. I don’t know, Trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins K, F and C. — Seth Meyers› Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. “Wait, you wanted me to save those?” said his doctor. — Seth Meyers› Yesterday Hillary tweeted to her supporters that like anyone who’s ever been home sick from work, she’s just anxious to get back out there. Then those people said, “Nope, we’re pretty happy just staying home and watching Netflix.” — Jimmy Fallon› Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary’s campaign workers that he’s also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president. — Jimmy Fallon› Hillary Clinton revealed to Anderson Cooper that she has fainted “a few times.” Of course, I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper. — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump will be going on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his health. He will then discuss his immigration plan with Dora the Explorer. — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump taped an appearance on “Dr. Oz” today to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes fast food because, “At least you know what they’re putting in it.” Then workers at Taco Bell and Arby’s said, “You keep telling yourself that.” — Jimmy Fallon› If you think that a presidential candidate appearing on “Dr. Oz” is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury Povich show and found out that he is not the father. — James Corden› Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of all email charges by Judge Judy. — James Corden› There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she’s “just anxious to get back out there.” That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don’t want to go back to work. Nobody’s in bed at 1 p.m. thinking, “Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda’s PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.” — James Corden› Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn’t think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton? — Seth Meyers› Newt Gingrich commented on Hillary Clinton’s current health concerns last night and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. Oh, but you’ll trust Donald Trump’s doctor? He looks like he got his medical license from a Dave & Buster’s claw machine. — Seth Meyers› It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump. — Stephen Colbert