Late-Night Laughs: Around the White House
* The White House announced today that President Trump would donate his first quarter’s salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs. It’s just a little less money than he’s given to veterans of his affairs. — Seth Meyers* In other Trump news, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani continues to give troublesome interviews. Last night on Fox News, Giuliani said that Trump couldn’t have colluded with the Russians, because if they had given him dirt on Hillary, he would have used it. Never a good sign when your lawyer’s defense is, “Your honor, my clients tried to commit a treasonous crime, but they were too stupid to actually pull it off.” — James Corden* There’s talk that Kim Jong Un might back out of his meeting with President Trump. When asked why, Kim said, “Cuz Trump hears ‘Yanny’ and I hear ‘Laurel.’” — Jimmy Fallon* Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with Trump, where they were supposed to discuss North Korea’s nuclear weapons. Trump was like, “How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?” And Iran was like, “I know, it’s crazy, right?” — Jimmy Fallon* White House senior advisor Jared Kushner spoke today at the opening of the new U.S. embassy in Jerusalem. It’s great practice for Kushner, because next week he has to do an oral report in Social Studies. — Seth Meyers* We want to send our best to Melania Trump, who’s doing well after having kidney surgery. When the doctor said she could go home in a few days, she was like, “Let’s not rush it.” — Jimmy Fallon* Meanwhile, President Trump is still trying to work out a trade deal with China. Yesterday on Twitter, Trump tried to reassure Americans that the United States would work out a deal, writing, “Be cool, it will all work out!” Be cool? What are his next words of wisdom? Chillax? If it doesn’t work out with China, no biggie, either way it’ll be sick. — James Corden* A lot of people think the U.S. might be starting a trade war with China. But this weekend Trump tweeted, “Be cool, it’ll all work out.” In a related story, the president may have just discovered weed. — Jimmy Fallon* In other Trump news, according to a new article, most weeknights Donald Trump and Fox News host Sean Hannity have a bedtime phone call with each other. Just when you thought Trump couldn’t be more in love with Fox News. You just know they end every phone call like, “You hang up first, Sean.” “No, you hang up first.” “Well, you didn’t hang up either!” — James Corden* Reports say that whenever he is really upset, Hannity is always there with those reassuring words Trump wants to hear: “Be cool, it will all work out.” — James CordenSource: www.newsmax.com
Quickie
Q: Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?
A: Because freedom rings.
Office work
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Breaking in
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“You don’t understand,” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Immigrant story
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the U.S. so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside. It reads: $20 Treatment. If Not Cured, Get Back $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh, this is kerosene.”
Doctor: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Doctor: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, then returns a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak. I can’t see at all.”
Doctor: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!”
Doctor: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.”
Punnies, Part 2 More from http://pun.me/pages/funny-jokes.php:
‘ I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
‘ What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
‘ Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
‘ Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
‘ Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
‘ My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
‘ Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
‘ When a deaf person sees someone yawn, do they think it’s a scream?
‘ As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
‘ How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
‘ What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
‘ I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do NOT read it!
‘ What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
‘ Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
* Today was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. I don’t really care, I just wanted to give away some of his personal information. – Seth Meyers
* A new poll has found that a majority of Americans say that driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly. Specifically, if they don’t cross the street fast enough. – Seth Meyers
* Papa John’s has started selling extra-large jugs of its signature garlic sauce. Each jug of garlic sauce is 8 pounds and costs $20. You know you’re depressed when you consume something by the 8-pound jug. But Papa John’s says it’s a lifetime supply of garlic sauce. Because you’re not expected to survive long enough to need a second jug. – James Corden
* Dunkin’ Donuts [celebrated] the royal wedding by offering a heart-shaped doughnut, and Chili’s is offering special burger-inspired hats. Which explains our new slogan: “America: We Don’t Understand Royalty.” – Jimmy Fallon
* There’s a restaurant in New York that’s now serving hummus smoothies. They have zero calories because you suck so hard on the straw you pass out. – Jimmy Fallon
* Best Buy has redesigned their logo in order to make it more modern. Best Buy’s CEO said, “With this new logo, we’re going to sell a lot of VCRs.” – Conan O’Brien
* Another major corporation has been hacked. Customer information has been compromised in a recent data breach at the restaurant chain Chili’s. Chili’s customers were furious, they were like, “I want my data back, data back, data back” – James Corden
* Chili’s is addressing the problem. Meanwhile, dads everywhere are suddenly very concerned about the level of data security at their neighborhood Hooters. – James Corden
* A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. – James Corden
* The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They’re marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” – James Corden
* Levi’s just released a smart jacket that lets you know when your Uber arrives. It’s great for people who love to have all the latest gadgets – except a phone. – Jimmy Fallon
* According to a new report, some middle-class women have started hosting dinner parties around a new trend called “brieing.” Brieing is where the women consume the drug MDMA, also known as Molly, wrapped in brie cheese. It’s about time hiding drugs in soft cheeses wasn’t just for the family dog. – James Corden
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.