Hands off
Boy 1: Hey, how did you get that bruise on your arm?
Boy 2: I ate some Easter candy.
Boy 1: Eating Easter candy won’t put a bruise on your arm.
Boy 2: It will if it’s your big brother’s candy.
But of course
A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room, dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. It’s obvious the rabbit does not want to be there.
“Sit, Fluffy,” she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.
“I said SIT. Now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Then Fluffy hops to middle of the room and empties his bladder.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, “Fluffy, will you be good?!”
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the customers and says: “Pardon me, I’ve just washed my hare, and I can’t do a thing with it!”
Keep it quiet
The preacher was standing at the door shaking hands with his parishioners. Suddenly, he grabbed a man by the hand and pulled him aside. “You need to join the army of the Lord,” the pastor said.
The man said, “I’m already in the army of the Lord, Pastor.”
“Then how come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” the pastor asked.
The man whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”
Chocolate rules
* If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
* Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
* Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before your Easter dinner. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
* If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
* If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
* Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
* Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
* Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
Think about it
Just remember: A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Cracked up
Psychiatrist: “What’s your problem?”
Patient: “I think I’m a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”
Patient: “Ever since I was an egg!”
Easter quiz
Q: How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken coop?
A: The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Q: Where does the Easter Bunny pay for his groceries?
A: In the eggspress lane.
Q: What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
A: Egg roll.
Q: Why can’t you tease egg whites?
A: Because they can’t take a yolk.