Lars Dalgaard used to act like a jerk at work. As a young manager rising through the ranks years ago at a consumer-products company, he was so brutally blunt with subordinates that a coach pulled him aside and told him to be more considerate, says Mr. Dalgaard, founder and chief executive of SuccessFactors, a San Mateo, Calif.-based software company.
He has since realized that an old family pattern was at work, he says. His father was so tough and blunt with him when he was small that he was behaving the same way with others, trying to be “the hero CEO, the Rambo” who ignored people’s feelings. Now that he is conscious of the problem, he says he has changed his ways. He has even instituted a “no-jerks” policy at his company, banning similar behavior by others.
We have all worked with at least one office pain in the neck, someone whose irritating and unfathomable behavior annoys co-workers and wrecks teamwork. These foibles often persist beyond reason because they are so deep-rooted, having been learned in the families of people’s childhoods. Amid a growing focus on workplace quality, some managers and coaches are now using new techniques to identify the childhood origins of harmful behavior at work and then rout out those patterns through training or outright bans on bad behavior.
Sylvia LaFair, a White Haven, Pa., leadership coach and psychologist has identified 13 different patterns of office behavior-and the family dynamics that likely shaped them. Among the types are the “persecutor” who micromanages or abuses others. This person often grew up with abuse or neglect. The “denier” pretends problems don’t exist; this person may have grown up in a family where everyone feared facing unpleasant emotions. “Avoiders” are aware of problems but won’t talk about them. In a tense situation, their mantra is, “Gotta go!” “Avoiders” often grew up in judgmental families with weak emotional ties, Dr. LaFair says.
The “super-achiever” is driven to excel at everything, breeding resentment by walking over other people. They were often called on in childhood to make up for family shame or tragedy. Another type, the “martyr,” does his or her work and everybody else’s too, but drives co-workers away by complaining, she says. The “martyr” often had parents who gave up their dreams for the child, triggering a repeat of the pattern. Dr. LaFair documents the various patterns in a 2009 book, “Don’t Bring It To Work.”