Punchlines

Big news

Did you hear that an alligator has been found in the Arctic? The locals said they weren’t surprised. They’ve been expecting a cold snap.

Golf math

The golfer called one of the caddies over and said, “I want a caddie who can count and keep the score. What’s 3 and 4 and 5 add up to?”

The caddie said, “Eleven, sir.”

The golfer said, “Good, you’ll do perfectly.”

Points to ponder

» Why are boxing rings square?

» Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

» Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

» Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

» Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

» Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

Horse, of course

Jack strode into John’s stable looking to buy a horse.

“Listen here” said John, “I have just the horse you are looking for. The only thing is that an interesting fellow trained him. He does not go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream, “Hey, hey!” The way to get him to go is to scream, “Thank God!”

Jim nodded his head, “Fine with me. Can I take him for a test run?”

Jim was having the time of his life. This horse sure can run, he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead.

“Stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried, he could not remember the words to get it to stop.

“Yo, yo!” screamed Jim, but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. The horse was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered.

“Hey, hey!” Jim screamed.

The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Jim could not believe his good fortune. He looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief, and said with conviction, “Thank God!”

Don’t drink and drive

A police car routinely parks outside a bar in Texas. One night after last call, the officer notices a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he can barely walk. The man stumbles around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seems like an eternity, in which the man tries his keys on five different vehicles, he manages to find his truck and fall into it.

He sits there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons leave the bar and drive off. Finally, he starts the engine and switches the wipers on and off – on a cloudless summer night. He flicks the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honks the horn and then switches on the lights. He moves the vehicle forward a few inches, reverses a little and then remains still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons exit and leave in their vehicles.

Finally, when his is the only car left in the parking lot, he pulls out and drives slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, starts up his patrol car, puts on the flashing lights, promptly pulls the man over and administers a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicates no evidence that the man has consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer says, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“Nah,” says the proud hillbilly. “I’ve not had a drop. Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Current events

* A minor-league baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help. – Jimmy Fallon

* ESPN’s annual Body Issue comes out this week. While everyone else’s body issues will come out after they read it. – Jimmy Fallon

* According to a new study, older people who have sex regularly tend to have better memories, while the people who walked in on them just want to forget. – Seth Meyers

* A group of shareholders at Facebook might be plotting to get rid of Mark Zuckerberg. And their plan would be way more likely to work if Mark wasn’t spying on them using Facebook. – Jimmy Fallon

* An Ohio man was recently arrested after attacking his roommate with a rolling pin. And I find it amazing that two male roommates actually owned a rolling pin. – Seth Meyers

* Since a judge approved AT&T’s merger with Time Warner, experts say it could open up the door for other big companies to merge. We took a look at some companies we’d like to see merge, just because of what they could rename themselves. I’ll show you what I mean. For example, if Saks Fifth Avenue and Citigroup merged, they’d be “Saks and the Citi.” If MySpace and eBay merged, they’d be “my bae.” If Chili’s and Netflix merged, they’d be “Netflix and Chili’s.” And finally, if Bonobos and Dunkin’ Donuts merged, they’d be “Bo-Dunk-a-Dunk.” – Jimmy Fallon

* Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing. – Jimmy Fallon

* A new study has found that people who run marathons have less arthritis than non-runners. Responded non-runners: “This. This is why no one wants to hang out with you.” – Seth Meyers

* In the United Kingdom, a baby’s first word was “Alexa.” The baby’s next words were “Get me new parents.” – Conan O’Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.