These are NOT Late-Night Laughs
Political BuzzWith late-night talk-show hosts on summer break, today we’ll bring you the latest headlines from two satirical news sites: the Babylon Bee, “your trusted source for Christian news satire,” and The New Yorker’s “not the news” Borowitz Report.From the Babylon Bee:* Socialists Gather on Labor Day To Protest Concept of Labor* Evangelicals Confirm They Will Resume Preaching About Absolute Truth When Democrat Becomes President* Democrats Demand Vigilance Against Election Hacking Unless It Involves Voter ID Laws* Trump Wins 19th Consecutive ‘Employee of the Month’ Award at White House* Every Single Person in Country Suddenly Expert on Complex International TradeFrom the Borowitz Report:* White Man Hopes To Land Job Without Background Check (about Brett Kavanaugh)* Man Wins “Why Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison” Essay Contest (about Brett Kavanaugh)* Michael Cohen Pleads Guilty After Giuliani Offers To Be His Lawyer* Pence Stages One-Man Parade in Honor of Trump* King Jong Un Offers To Host Peace Talks Between United States and Canada
Crafty engineers
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
All of them board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
Turtle talk
A woman goes into a store to buy some books about turtles.
“Hardbacks?” asked the clerk.
“Yes,” said the woman, “and they have little heads too.”
Take two
A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger.
The librarian says, “This is a library.”
The man apologizes then whispers, “I’d like a hamburger please.”
Fridge fixation
Did you hear about the woman who got her husband a fridge for his birthday?
His face lit up when he opened it.
Career advice
If you don’t love your job, take out a home loan. You will start loving it.
Take out another loan, and you will start loving your boss as well.
Get married, and you will start loving your office too.
Co-worker chat
Over lunch in the break room, one worker said to another, “Do you ever think about work at home?”
Said the other, “I don’t even think about work at work.”
Liar, liar
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a $10 bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys said, “You win!” and handed the teacher the $10.
Caught on the job
The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, the young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Starting later
Nearing the end of a job interview, the young applicant asked, “What’s the salary?”
The manager answered, “It’s $500 for now, but later it can go up to $1,000.”
The applicant said, “OK, I’ll come back later.”
Money woes
When the lodge meeting broke up, John confided to a friend.
“Mike, I’m in a terrible pickle! I’m strapped for cash, and I don’t have the slightest idea where I’m going to get it from.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” answered Mike. “I was afraid you were gonna ask to borrow it from me.”
Fish shtick
For their daughter’s 8th birthday, her parents bought her a fish. She soon announced that the fish’s name was Sparingly.
An odd choice, the parents thought.
“Why Sparingly,” her dad asked.
“It says so on the fish food,” she responded. “Feed Sparingly 3 Times Daily.”
Blind date
The phone rings and Sally’s friend Rachel says, “Hey, I only have a minute. I’m about to go into a restaurant to meet a blind date. Can you call me in half an hour in case it’s going bad?”
Sally agrees.
Sure enough, 20 minutes after meeting her date, Rachel is discreetly checking her watch. After 10 more long minutes, her phone finally rings. Rachel listens for a few seconds, grimly purses her lips and turns to her date. “I feel terrible, but my grandmother is terribly sick,” she tells him. “I need to go home now.”
“No problem!” says her date with a big grin. “In a few more minutes, my dog was going to get run over!”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.