Sinking spirits
A tourist is sport-fishing off the Florida coast when his boat capsizes. He can swim, but he is so afraid of alligators that he clings to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouts, “Are there any gators around here?”
“Naw,” the man hollers back, “they ain’t been around for years.”
The tourist breathes a sigh of relief and starts swimming leisurely toward the shore. As he nears the beach, he yells to the man, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber says. “The sharks got ’em.”
Drinking it in
A young couple taking their three young sons to a nice restaurant for the first time decided they would order a bottle of wine with their meal. When the waitress brought it, the children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. When she poured a small amount for the mother to taste, the 6-year-old piped up, “Mom drinks a lot more than that.”
Broad strokes
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said.
“I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he swore.
“Really,” she said, softening. “How many models have there been?”
“Four,” he replied. “A jug, two apples and a vase.”
Some kind of car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
“Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?” one asked.
“He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.
“How was he going to do it?”
“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea.”
“So what did he end up with?”
“Ten years in prison.”
Opposite incentive
A college student home for a visit was asked to set the table for dinner.
When she opened the refrigerator, she saw taped to the inside of the door a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built but scantily clad young woman.
“Mom, what’s this?” she asked.
“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered.
“Is it working?” she asked.
“Yes and no,” her mother explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20.”
Bad for your health
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat.”
Little Billy replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
“Oh?” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?”
“No” replied little Billy, “he minded his own business.”
Obviously
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone’s attention. “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” he asks.
“What’s he look like?” asks a cowboy.
“Well,” replies the Sheriff. “He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket.”
“So what’s he wanted for?” asks the cowboy.
“Rustlin’,” says the Sheriff.
Optional payment plan
A guy calls up a motel and asks how much they charge for a room. The clerk tells him the rate depends on room size and number of people.
“Do you take children,” the man asks.
“No, sir,” replies the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”
Everywhere a thign
In the men’s room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: “Think.”
The next day, when he went into the men’s room, he saw another sign right below the one he’d put up. Immediately, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign that read: “Thoap.”