Late Night Laughs
Keeping Up With the Candidates* Yesterday, in China, President Obama had a meeting with Vladimir Putin. And before they started, Obama texted Michelle: “Going into a meeting, love you.” While Putin texted the same thing to Donald Trump. — Jimmy Fallon* President Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went. — Stephen Colbert* The president is there for his very last G20 Summit. So, the next time he talks international economics, it’ll be with a really bored person at a party. — Stephen Colbert* There was a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of the meeting, when Chinese officials wouldn’t let President Obama get off Air Force One using the normal staircase, or “Stair Force One” … I hope that’s what they call it. — Stephen Colbert* A lot of people were saying President Obama was snubbed by China when they didn’t have the stairs ready for him to get off the plane. In fact, Donald Trump said that if that ever happened to him, he’d just close the plane doors and leave the country. Every other country was like, “That’s all we have to do? Thank you. That’s perfect!” — Jimmy Fallon* Did you see Donald Trump dancing at the gospel church? Donald Trump this weekend, as part of his new initiative to woo African-American voters, visited the Great Faith Ministries Church in Detroit. He said he was there to listen. I don’t know what he was listening to, but based on his dancing, it clearly wasn’t music. — Jimmy Kimmel* After three weddings you’d think he’d have learned how to dance. I bet if you asked him if he’s a good dancer he’d say, “Yeah, I’m the best, nobody dances like me.” And it’s true, nobody does dance like that. — Jimmy Kimmel* The latest CNN poll has Donald Trump beating Hillary Clinton 45 percent to 43 percent. But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery. — Seth Meyers* A national Washington Post survey found that Donald Trump has historically low support among college-educated women. It’s from their new segment, “Stuff You Could Have Guessed.” — Seth Meyers* Jessica Alba’s Honest Company is selling “bipartisan diapers” featuring the Democratic donkey and Republican elephant holding hands. Because at the end of the day, both Republicans and Democrats are basically full of the same thing. — Jimmy Fallon* Trump may have gotten a sign he will win in November because Trump’s attorney, Michael Cohen, tweeted out a picture of a cloud that kind of looks like Donald Trump, along with the caption, “In case anyone is unsure as to who will be our next #POTUS, the Lord has chosen the people’s messenger.” Yes, God made a Trump-shaped cloud, though the cloud actually holds a position longer than the real Donald Trump. — Stephen Colbert* Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back-to-back in front of a crowd of American veterans. The winner, the leader who came off strongest and best last night, was Vladimir Putin.* [The Commander-in-Chief Forum] took place right here in New York on the aircraft carrier Intrepid. Once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to cut it loose and let it drift out to sea. — Stephen ColbertSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonThree squares
A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.
The hired man didn’t say a word but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, “We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too.”
Again, the hired man didn’t respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.
“What are you doing?” the farmer asked.
The hired man replied, “I don’t work after supper.”
Swimming horsefly
A man entered a diner and ordered a large bowl of soup. Just as it was placed before him, a big horsefly flew into the bowl.
The startled man said to the waiter. “Look at that horsefly, right? What is it doing in my soup?”
The flustered waiter answered, “I’m not sure, but it looks like the backstroke to me.”
Sounds fishy
A man goes on a dating website, hoping to find a wife. In his profile description he writes, “Looking for a woman who is smart, pretty, funny, a good cook, organized at home and has a bass boat!”
He then adds, “To be considered, please include a picture of the boat.”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
* Some disturbing news out of North Korea, they conducted a nuclear test detonating a 10-kiloton device underground. You think it’s hard being a North Korean? Imagine being a North Korean prairie dog. – Stephen Colbert
* I saw that a library in Alabama is warning customers that failing to return a book on time could result in 30 days in jail. So if anyone asks what you’re in for, LIE! – Jimmy Fallon
* Failing to return a book on time could result in 30 days in jail. So remember, kids: If you want to stay out of trouble – don’t read. – Jimmy Fallon
* Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone tomorrow, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. And this is convenient, the included ear buds will come “pre-lost.” – Seth Meyers
* Apple unveiled the new iPhone today, which it says is water-resistant. This could be a devastating blow for the “big bag of rice” industry. – Seth Meyers
* New York Mets player Wilmer Flores excited fans this weekend after changing his walk-up music to the theme song from “Friends.” ‘Cause if there’s one thing Mets fans understand, it’s when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year. – Seth Meyers
* Police in Connecticut on Friday discovered a cache of 600 marijuana plants growing in the backyard of a day-care center. Said one of the kids, “It’s not how to get to Sesame Street that matters; it’s about the journey, man.” – Seth Meyers
* Tonight’s the rematch of the Super Bowl between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos. Broncos will be without quarterback Peyton Manning this year. Peyton retired at the end of last season so he could spend more time grocery shopping with Lionel Richie. – Jimmy Kimmel
* According to new research from the CDC, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana than their teenage kids. In other words, your mom finally made weed uncool like she did to MySpace. – Jimmy Kimmel
* The use of marijuana by older Americans has skyrocketed. It is up 455 percent since 2002 – which, of course, is the year Oprah made it one of her Favorite Things. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That’s just Willie Nelson. – Jimmy Kimmel
* A new study suggests that “starchiness” should be added as a new taste to the five basic tastes that humans can detect. One researcher’s wife was like, “Next time you can just say you didn’t like it.” – Seth Meyers
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.