Late Night Laughs
Current events:› This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” — Jimmy Fallon› The holiday season is in full swing, and you know that because Starbucks has changed the color of their cups. Some people are saying they were angry when they went to get their red cup and, instead, got a green cup. And if you’re one of the people upset by this, you need to switch to decaf. — James Corden› A Pennsylvania rapper who has a song called “Sell Drugz” was arrested this week for allegedly selling narcotics. Even worse, his attorney has a song called “Lose Cases.” — Seth Meyers› Google has announced it is partnering with the new Harry Potter spinoff to create an app that will allow fans to use spells to control their phones. Hopefully it includes the spell “Group Textus Removus.” — Seth Meyers› A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. — Jimmy Fallon› Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password. — Seth Meyers› The FDA is currently debating whether the chocolate hazelnut topping Nutella should be classified as a dessert or a spread. Which is ridiculous. Nutella isn’t a dessert or a spread; it’s a cry for help. — James Corden› The Food and Drug Administration is asking people what they use Nutella for, and 37 percent said dessert, 23 percent said as a spread, and 40 percent said they use it as a replacement for their girlfriend. — James CordenSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonAutumn splendor
From Ruth Wright:
How do the fall leaves get from one place to another?
They take autumn mobiles.
Lexophilia
From Leland Parrott:
* Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
* How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
* England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
* I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
* They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
* I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
* Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
* I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
* I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
* This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
* When chemists die, they barium.
* I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
* I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
* Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
* I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
* Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
* When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
* Broken pencils are pointless.
* I dropped out of communism class because of terrible Marx.
* I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
* Velcro – what a rip off!
* Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
Tetanus shot
The old man struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately the wife starts positioning herself to get out of her rocker so she can put on her coat.
He says, “Where are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.
Milk money
An art connoisseur passes a little grocery in New York when he notices a pitiful little kitten on the front step lapping up milk in a bowl. The cat is mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing.
What really catches the collector’s eye, though, is the bowl the kitten is drinking from. He recognizes it as a rare antique worth thousands of dollars.
He walks in the store and offers $20 for the cat.
“He’s not for sale,” says the store owner.
“That’s ridiculous!” says the collector. “He is one of the ugliest cats I’ve seen. He must be for sale. I’ll give you $100 for him.”
The store owner considers for a second and then says, “It’s a deal.”
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets.
As he scoops up the kitten, the collector says, “For that price I’m sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it.”
The store owner says, “No way. That’s my lucky bowl. From that bowl, I’ve sold 26 cats this week.”
Party time
Two politicians are having lunch together, when suddenly one stands up and shouts, “You’re lying!”
The other says, “I know, but just hear me out.”
A-OK
A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
He texts back, “I Don’t Know, Love You, Talk To You Later.”
The mom texts him, “OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too.”
Quick quiz
Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: He was sitting on the deck.
Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A walk.
Q: What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.
Q: How do you know if a clock is hungry?
A: It goes back four seconds.
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Between you and me, there’s something that smells.
Wrong right answers
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business and the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide-and-seek.
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to 100. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he wandered out to the street and began looking in and under cars.
A police officer, noticing the strange behavior, approached him and asked, “What are you doing?”
“Playing a game,” the boy replied.
“What is your name?” the officer questioned.
“Mind Your Own Business.”
Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!”
The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.