Late Night Laughs
Trump takes command› I saw that Donald Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America. — Jimmy Fallon› I read that Trump raised a record $90 million in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, “Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee.” — Jimmy Fallon› A Bruce Springsteen cover band is the latest musical act to drop out of performing [at the inauguration]. Yeah. That’s right. That’s the situation we’re in right now. It is not a good sign when a cover band thinks you’re not a legitimate president. — Conan O’Brien› In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a replacement for Obamacare that will provide insurance for everybody. Yeah, it’s called move to Canada. — Conan O’Brien› After civil-rights leader John Lewis called Donald Trump an illegitimate president, incoming chief of staff Reince Priebus claimed that Republicans never questioned the legitimacy of President Obama’s election. And then President Obama sighed so hard his hair turned white. — Seth Meyers› Donald Trump tweeted about Martin Luther King Jr. this morning, saying people should celebrate, quote, “All the many wonderful things that he stood for.” He then quickly logged off before anyone asked him to name one. — Seth Meyers› Donald Trump’s inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying, quote, “We’ll give you cookies and Kool-Aid.” Then Republicans in Congress were like, “Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.” — Jimmy Fallon› It’s expected to rain in Washington during Donald Trump’s inauguration. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “The sky is rigged.” — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump said after he’s sworn into office on Friday, he’s going to take the weekend off. Unless, of course, he has to deal with a national emergency or a “Saturday Night Live” sketch. It could go either way. — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump will be sworn in as president this Friday at 12 noon. That’s when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the Bible. — Seth Meyers› Today was first lady Michelle Obama’s birthday. And for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited Joe Biden blew out her candles. — Seth Meyers› So Trump might want to put in some more hours just to get his popularity up. He’s got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it’s not a popularity contest. And neither was the election. — Stephen Colbert› Tomorrow is the presidential inauguration. People from all across country will be there. But don’t worry if you can’t make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing. — Jimmy Fallon› Today, in his last full day in office, President Obama commuted the sentences of 330 prisoners. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I hope I’m one of them.” — Conan O’BrienSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonMovie math
A correspondent sends this math trick along.
For as long as I can remember, I have loved math tricks. This one really works. It will take you only about 10 seconds and, amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie.
I’m pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations. Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it IS my very favorite movie… EVER!
Do not cheat. Do your math, then compare the results on the list of movies below. You will be amazed at how scary true and accurate this test is:
1. Pick a number from 1 to 9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two-digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
Movie list
1. “Gone With the Wind”
2. “E.T. – The Extra-terrestrial”
3. “Blazing Saddles”
4. “Star Wars”
5. “Forrest Gump”
6. “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”
7. “Jaws”
8. “Grease”
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. “Casablanca”
11. “Jurassic Park”
12. “Shrek”
13. “Pirates of the Caribbean”
14. “Titanic”
15. “Raiders of the Lost Ark”
16. “Home Alone”
17. “Mrs. Doubtfire”
Eye-yi-yi
The patient needed a procedure done on her eyes, but she was very nervous about going to the ophthalmologist. The doctor tried to put her at ease, to no avail. Especially after he finished with the first eye and announced, “There, there. Only one eye left.”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com.
* Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner, more lightweight wallet. – Conan O’Brien
* Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder, “[Geez], how did I end up driving a minivan?” – Conan O’Brien
* Today marks the 10-year anniversary of the iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 even celebrated with a fireworks display. – James Corden
* It’s being reported Yahoo might be changing its name to Altaba. The announcement was made so people could get a jump-start on saying, “You’re still using Altaba?” – Conan O’Brien
* A man has finally been arrested for changing the famous Hollywood sign to read “Hollyweed.” In other words, we’re punishing the first stoner in the world to actually show some initiative. – Conan O’Brien
* 7-Eleven announced it’s now offering “breakfast pizza.” It’s all in keeping with 7-Eleven’s motto: “If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover.” – Conan O’Brien
* According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms. – Conan O’Brien
* Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m not in the TSA.” – Jimmy Fallon
* It’s raining so hard now, we’re actually having mudslides here in L.A. This morning I was driving to work and I was passed by a house. – Conan O’Brien
* I read about a man in Virginia who paid the DMV his $3,000 fine in pennies. It took the workers 12 hours to count them all. And that line still moved faster than the one you were waiting in at the DMV. – Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.