There’s an EPB commercial all over television.
It has a guy on a stage explaining why he moved to Chattanooga. He ticks off the city’s virtues on a PowerPoint. Natural beauty (check). Great food (check). Fast internet (check).
First, who is this guy?
Second, why is he lecturing us on the virtues of Chattanooga?
Maybe I’m taking this too seriously. I also truly believe that LeBron James wants me to get the best possible deal on an iPhone 14 from AT&T.
If the message is that tons of people are moving to Chattanooga, and EPB’s Gig City pitch is part of the reason, no argument there.
It brings to mind a sentiment I’ve been hearing a lot lately. Ten years ago, I think most Chattanoogans were so flush with community pride that we wanted to spread the word far and wide about our fair city. Now, I sense a hint of reticence.
Most of us prefer a Goldilocks future. We want a Chattanooga that’s not too big, not too small, but just right.
We don’t want to become the next “it city.” Take Nashville. I grew up near Nashville and barely recognize it now. Think Austin, Texas. A lovely city, I’m sure, but it grew 30% from 2010 to 2020 and is projected to grow almost that much this decade. If you ask me, that’s too much growth, too fast.
These are two great cities but not what we aspire to be. (Full disclosure: I’m a transplant, too, but I’ve been here for 40 years.)
Today, I’d like to reach out to some of those who have recently moved to Chattanooga from other regions of the country. We are pleased and flattered that you are here, but life will be better for all of us if you learn (and respect) some of our ways and customs.
Southern hospitality is real, but it’s also a two-way street. Here are a few tips that might help our newest friends.
› Food. If you want to fit in here, buy a FryDaddy. Deep-fat in the Deep South is a tradition.
There is very little grown in a garden, caught in a river or raised as livestock that can’t be cut up, battered, dipped and dropped into a FryDaddy.
Also, take a minute to learn about our Southern food. I once had a visiting Northerner ask where she could get “a grit.”
“I’ve always wanted to try ‘a grit,'” she said. “Where can I get one?”
“Waffle House,” I said. “But you might want to order more than ‘a grit,’ or you’ll be hungry well before lunch.”
› Customs. Unless you live on Signal Mountain, don’t follow your GPS up the W Road. You’ll probably make it, but not without scaring yourself and frustrating others.
Yes, it’s a public road and a free country, but do yourself a favor and ride up first as a passenger with someone who can show you the ropes about how to navigate the hairpin turns.
Also, pay close attention to how we speak. We are not opposed to swallowing letters. In fact, we find many of them as tasty as fried okra.
But please don’t swallow the second syllable in Chattanooga. It’s “cha·tuh·noo·guh.” If you insist on accenting “Chatt,” and swallowing “tuh,” well … bless your heart, then.
› Neighborliness. If you move here, take a daily walk in your neighborhood and introduce yourself to everyone you meet. If you like to keep your head down and your earbuds in, go to a public park.
Southerners also respect circumspection. So don’t comment on anyone’s bumper stickers, yard signs, flag of choice until you know them well. (And maybe not even then.)
If all this sounds like too much for you, then, in the words of the late, great Atlanta Journal-Constitution columnist Lewis Grizzard: “Delta is ready when you are.”
The “Family Life” column publishes on Sundays in Life. Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645.