Since Jan. 1, 2023, more than 5,000 people have visited the First Things First website in search of help against “resentment in marriage.” Terms such as “how to overcome resentment,” “moving past resentment,” “letting go of resentment” and “what to do when my spouse resents me” have flooded the search bar.
Resentment in marriage isn’t new. But I wondered what was causing the spike in searches and if there were any other queries seeing a similar increase. After a review of Google trends and analytics, I found the term “self-care” also saw a significant spike over the last three months. While this could be a wild coincidence and have no correlation, this exercise gave me an aha moment about resentment.
When couples initially feel resentment in their marriage, they often correlate it with anger. But resentment is not a function of anger; it’s a function of envy.
(READ MORE: Envy: A short story)
Let’s break this down a little more through an example. Your spouse is watching TV and relaxing on the couch when you get home from work. However, the house is dirty, there’s no food to be eaten and the laundry baskets are spilling over. You feel mad. Heat surges through your body. You may say something like, “Don’t you see all this stuff that needs to be done?” “Why are you just sitting there?” And if you’re not careful, you may become accusatory and use language such as “lazy,” “I do everything,” “you never help,” and the list goes on.