It happened to me at dinner the other night. My husband and I were discussing something that we clearly had different opinions about. At one point, I felt every muscle in my body tighten, my face turn red and breathing quicken. I wanted to yell … but I didn’t. Thankfully.
Instead, I took some deep breaths, held up my hand and said, “I need a break from this conversation. I’m flooded, and I can’t think straight. Let’s talk about this later when we’re both more calm and in a good state of mind.”
I don’t always practice and acknowledge my need for physiological calmness, but when I do, situations always turn out better than if I let my emotions take over.
Dr. John Gottman, renowned psychologist and researcher on marriage and relationships, has spent decades studying what makes relationships thrive or crumble. One of his most critical findings is that emotional regulation — specifically, achieving physiological calmness — can make or break a relationship.
Gottman defines physiological calmness as the state in which a person’s body is not in a heightened fight-or-flight mode. When we experience conflict, our nervous system often goes into overdrive, triggering a stress response. This can include increased heart rate, shallow breathing, muscle tension and the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. When this happens, we become emotionally overwhelmed, making it nearly impossible to communicate effectively or resolve conflicts constructively. Gottman calls this state “flooding.”
In contrast, physiological calmness is when our heart rate stays below 100 beats per minute, our breathing remains steady and our bodies are not hijacked by stress. This state allows us to stay engaged, listen actively and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Gottman’s research has shown that couples who can regulate their physiological responses during conflict are significantly more likely to maintain happy, long-lasting relationships. In his “Love Lab,” where he has observed thousands of couples, he found that when individuals become physiologically flooded, they tend to enter one of four toxic communication styles: criticism, defensiveness, contempt or stonewalling. These behaviors erode trust and intimacy over time.
On the flip side, couples who practice physiological self-soothing — by taking deep breaths, taking breaks during heated discussions, or engaging in calming activities — are able to stay present in their conversations. This makes it easier to resolve conflicts and strengthens emotional bonds. Studies also show that physiological calmness helps prevent the escalation of minor disagreements into full-blown arguments, reducing overall stress in the relationship.
Physiological calmness isn’t just about improving communication; it’s about sustaining a healthy relationship. Chronic stress responses in relationships can lead to emotional disconnection, resentment and even health issues. Research indicates that prolonged exposure to relationship-induced stress increases the risk of anxiety, depression and cardiovascular disease.
For parents, this concept is even more critical. When we model physiological calmness, we teach our children how to handle stress and conflict in healthy ways. Kids who grow up seeing their parents manage emotions well are more likely to develop strong emotional intelligence and resilience.
You can practice cultivating physiological calmness in your relationships by focusing on these five things.
1. Recognize when you’re flooded. Pay attention to your body’s signals: a racing heart, shallow breathing, or clenched fists may mean you need a break before continuing a conversation.
2. Take a break. Gottman recommends a 20-minute break when emotions run high. Do something calming, like taking a walk or listening to music, before returning to the discussion.
3. Practice deep breathing. Slow, intentional breaths can lower your heart rate and bring you back to a state of calm.
4. Use gentle startups. Gottman found that conversations that begin with warmth and understanding rather than accusations are more likely to end positively.
5. Engage in soothing activities together. Activities like exercising, laughing or even just holding hands can activate the body’s calming response.
Physiological calmness is not just a tool for better communication — it’s a foundation for stronger, healthier relationships. By learning to regulate our stress responses, we create an environment where love, trust and connection can flourish. As Gottman’s research shows, it’s not the absence of conflict that defines a great relationship, but rather how well we manage it.
So the next time a disagreement arises, take a deep breath. Your relationship — and your health — will thank you for it.
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@ firstthings.org.